you couldn’t make it up

So, last Wednesday my Estate Agent told me the reason for the latest delay, that of obtaining the final signature to transfer the share of the freehold into my name. Unfortunately, they had died…...last March. As this latest setback involves a death I couldn’t really be angry. However I do now need to go ahead on a leasehold basis and swap over to Freehold later on after probate lawbahhumbugsomething or other is sorted. I was a little numb but totally unsurprised. The poor man that the wicked witch is buying from will be in Canada for 10 nights from Sarurday. I have been assured that the exchange can happen on his return. So, please still keep them crossed for me.

Luckily I was staying here

…….when I received the news, with MM, N, 1 year old Phoebe and 2 ½ year Louie. So that cheered me up.

Of course we spent a lot of time reminiscing. The parties that we had there in the early 2000s were legendary.

Stuck to one of MM’s bedroom wardrobes I found an AAA sticky dated 24.12.01 with the name ‘Tiddly Pest’, written in my own fair hand. I had quite forgotten that I had issued all their guests with my own handwritten passes. Everyone apart from one poor man was issued an AAA. He only got a Guest pass, and was banned from certain areas. Well, he’d obviously done something to annoy me. I remember seeing someone trip on the step into the house and putting white gaffer down to prevent any further mishap. Later I went around the whole house gaffering and muttering something about Health & Safety. It was also that night that I ran up and down the back garden screaming “I’m a licensee. I’m a licensee”. Ha ha. Those were the days.

I think that Christmas was the first time that I met N&D and in order to overcome my shyness and get to know them better, I suggested pretending that we were on telly and that I was interviewing them. Naturally [?] I was an Australian presenter. I used a hairbrush as a microphone. At first N thought that I was taking the micky out of her and asked MM (in a thick Kiwi drawl) if I was for real. Once reassured, the interview continued, N got into role and we got on like a house on fire. She even helped me with the H&S improvements.

Christmas dinner the next day was very late and was eventually served at 10pm after an all day long attempt at bar-b-quing it. All I had eaten throughout the day were some very extravagant truffles, along with litres of vodka and diet coke. Somewhat unsurprisingly I got the most appalling constipation ever and after a 20 minute struggle I was convinced that I would die there and Elvis Presley style.

MM, having now completed her nutrition course, would know how to deal with that situation now. Something to do with an enema bucket! Nice, but thankfully it was a one off. She is now studying reflexology and had a go on our feet. It’s all pretty scary really. As she gently massaged my toes in oil she asked various questions: do you have a wisdom tooth on that side, do you grind your teeth etc? All spot on. She has already freaked me right out before we started. I had told her that she’d have a field day with my feet as they are in a right mess and come complete with a deformed toe. She looked me up and down, feet to head, and asked if it is my left foot. Yes. Is it the toe next to my big toe? Yes. God how predictable am I? She could guess as she knows me so well. It signifies my feelings towards myself. Awwww. There is also a dry patch on the same toe, which reflects that my love life seems dried up to me. Further more my heart area is yellow.

I’ve got absolutely no chance have I? And now I realise that I grind my teeth.