a load of pollocks

And so I have my life back and I can return to me favourite subject. Me. It began yesterday with art class 2 of 10. Last week I reported that I wasn’t going to go back as there were no fit men and I didn’t get a snog. Hopefully dear readers will know that was a Jodie joke. I didn’t really enjoy the first class though but luckily I had expected this would be the case so I didn’t panic. I loved University, which finished 10 years ago, but I have also enjoyed not being in a classroom since then. During my final term at Uni, I didn’t get around to finishing 2 of the course novels, Tom Jones & Middlemarch. On occasion, and even to this day, I sometimes have nightmares that I’m in my final exam and I am faced with a series of questions, based exclusively on the 2 novels. How absurd is that? I passed with a healthy 2:1 and yet I’m still plagued with guilt. Maybe I should just read them.

On arrival at our studio space we were surrounded by drying still life canvasses. I was early and as my fellow art lovers stumbled in bit by bit, they nervously eyed the canvasses too and I tried to make light of the situation by making nervous quips about a recent Coronation Street plot involving Jack Duckworth and nude modelling. Surely they wouldn’t hit us with that on the first day of a beginners course? Sir arrived promptly and after register, a very brief Health & Safety talk and tips about where to have sly fags, we were given a lecture on colour and it’s use to demonstrate movement and depth on a 1 dimensional space. Next to Sir sat a blonde lady and we all wondered who she was. I thought that perhaps she was a trainee lecturer or even his Muse, as she sat there tittering at his jokes and making a few Carry On type suggestive comments. All was revealed, literally, later into the lesson when she did in fact take all her clothes off and do four 1-minute poses, which we had to quickly sketch in oil bars. Sir had told us countless times to take the membrane off the top of the oil bars. I had taken some plastic off the top of mine, but didn’t realise that there was yet another layer. Consequently, I completely missed pose 1 and only had 30 seconds for each of the other 3 poses. I can't upload the darn image straight, it needs to be rotated so that the green line is on the right. My work suffered a little but I soldiered on. We then spent the rest of the first lesson and most of yesterday’s lessons colouring in the lines. Sir didn’t laugh at my work and said that my use of colour is bold. I really enjoyed lesson 2. The blonde lady was there but did absolutely nothing this time.

I was in town early yesterday to pick up more art supplies (it’s a very expensive hobby), and just in case I didn’t enjoy lesson 2 I spontaneously booked a hair appointment for after class. As regulars will know the Laydee thing did not suit me, however there are limits and when the WB (who has a Leo Sayer barnet) tells you that you need a haircut, that’s when you’ve exceeded them. So I now have a Vidal Sassoon hair cut. It’s a classic Vidal cut and it’s the one that I had for most of my 20s and it suits me, peeping out from under a fringe.

I was very surprised to get a call on a UK mobile from the Vixen who invited me for drinks in Brixton. I have been avoiding alcohol, company and going out much more than usual since giving up the fags. Despite being a little nervous about drinking I leapt at the chance to hook up. The last time I gave up smoking I kept getting really pissed and it took me sometime to realise that as my right arm was used to going up to my mouth constantly, I was drinking way too quickly. As a precaution yesterday I smoked a cocktail stick. Later on, I chained smoked a cocktail stick and a straw. It might have looked silly, but who cares. Anyway, the Vixen is back in town for reasons as funny as Michael Barrymore but she is headed back to New Zealand next Saturday. Luckily for her, she doesn’t do jet lag. She’d only arrived the night before and showed super human strength by barely even remembering that she had not long been off a long haul flight.

Who remembered? There’s a couple of robins larking around in our back garden.

cbb finale

I'm looking forward to Pete's interview and that's all. I think that Chantelle will win and this upsets me. There have been various pictures of her topless and discreet full frontals on the front pages of the Daily Sport every day this week. It's such a waste. All she's going to use her new status for is joint glamour shots with Jodie, unless she gets a very good manager very quickly.

Eviction predicition :
Traci
Pete
Maggot
Michael
Preston
Chantelle

In their final Diary Room chats : Chantelle predicted Preston to win, Maggot wanted himself to win for some $$$$, Michael wanted Maggot to win, Pete wanted Michael to win, Preston wanted to win but, apparently, it’s never been a competition. If he can’t win, he wants Chantelle to win. Traci wanted to herself to win too.

Jodie’s turned up and has unbelievably not given up TV, just reality TV. Faria’s here. Yawn. Rula said hi to George but he ignored her. George reckons his constituency are behind him. Dennis wasn’t allowed to talk in case he swore.

The first person to be evicted tonight is Traci. She pouted a lot and said “oh my God” often. She maintains that there was a lot of love in the house.

Pete’s out. He steeled himself for booing. Good job. It was true panto. He loves the boos and says it shows he still has what it takes and said it’s 1977 all over again. He’d only packed for 5 days on the show. He thinks that people cannot cope with the truth these days and that he didn’t go too far and that he’s scary but fun. I agree. They were all free at any time to yell shut up. What he learned in his time in the house : how to go without sex for 3 weeks. His hit is being re-released and he’s gutted. He said it’s like been in your school uniform all your life. His best bits were excellent. Channel 4 know how to court controversy, his boyfriend was invited onto the stage for them to hug.

SHOCK!!!!!!!!! PRESTON’S OUT. Boo, they’re all cheering. Zzzzzs. George looks like he still wants to kill him. They showed a Chantelle and Preston montage. He still insists that they are just mates. His bird is there looking upset but without the murder in her eyes that I would have, especially after watching the montage. He is justifying it all by saying he’s a flirt and if people can’t cope with that then it’s their problem. What an odious toad. Oh well, at least Jodie will have someone to say hello to at last.

Next out is Maggot. I don’t mind them cheering Maggot. He’s alright. He’s a bit dull at times, too polite and quiet for my liking but harmless enough. “It’s the taking part that counts”, “you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth”, cliché city. Zzzz. The crowd love him though. I prefer a bit more of a brute. Get some colour in your cheeks man.

Michael is out now, so the winner is Chantelle. Booooooooooooooo.

And I have my life back. CBB blog endeth and here’s hoping I lose my Jodie obsession soon too.

cbb day 22

Te he. Dennis was up to mischief again first thing and called Maggot Faggot.

During the day Chantelle genuinely thought that she might be evicted and was excited about seeing her Mum. “I could have gone in the first week” she cried, obviously once too often leading Preston to tell her that she was like a broken record. “Oh well, if you don’t like it, you know what you can do”. “Go and jump in the lake” Michael chipped in. Oh dear. That was even worse than the time that BB zoomed in on him stuffing a carrot up a stuffed raw chicken’s arse. It’s not funny.

Pete did 2 priceless impressions of Jodie in this task. They involved him constantly licking his fake nipples, talking about orgies, saying that she was going to dis them all in her next book, which will be published in a pamphlet, moaning about there being no fit blokes to snog, shouting about being a veg e tar i an, people needing psychiatric help, while pouting and writhing directly at the camera. Later he slipped his fake boobs down to his waist. The film ended with Pete/Jodie winning and saying “can I show my fanny in a 4 page spread?” I can’t wait to see what she says about this. Excellent. Chantelle walked out of the room in disgust, followed by the limpet prat Preston. “He wouldn’t have done that if she was here” she said, ignoring all signs to the contrary. She then ignored Pete, which only served to rile him. However, as Maggot later admitted Jodie had said everything that he had used in his imitation of her…..apart from maybe “I wrote a fuzzy felt book”. Pete is planning on wearing a huge fur coat for the warp party just to annoy her.

cbb day 21 * 5 in a row

2 evictions tonight. I predict that Dennis and George will leave tonight but it is against my wishes. I will then lose interest as the show falls into a decline, as Pete will have no one of interest to knock about with.

The morning after. George refused Michael’s porridge and made himself some toast. He always has his porridge. He cannot maintain eye contact with anyone apart from Pete and Dennis, despite telling BB that he doesn’t regret or take back a word. Dennis wondered who would start a row today.

Preston is hurt by George’s words. Twit. To Preston Pete is now a 50 year old transvestite and George a shit arguer. Let’s hope that they don’t find out that he is slagging them off. He would be shredded alive. He thinks that the mature thing to do would be to drop the matter so he’s done a Jodie and talked about it non-stop. Preston has renamed Pete and George the Mitchell Brothers. He’s been in the Diary Room spitting out the words “50 year old” and “old men” like old age is something out of a horror film. Go run to your Mammy boy.

Michael now hangs with the kids and often leaves his position by the cooker hob to come out to play.

George is out. And booed. I couldn’t concentrate on the interview, although I think he fared quite well. I was totally distracted by a voice mail from someone who was a good friend a few years back. She’s been married for 18 months and has a 5 month old baby. This is shocking news.

Dennis is out. Poor poor Pete left with no decent company. All he said is "Stringfellows right".

ccb 20

Hurrah, the poisonous one has updated her blog and the touching first line is “I’ve been drowning (no pun intended Barrymore)….” Then she throws in a little chav “A few days ago, on a giant Ikea spree with Dave and Lauren, I saw a beautiful canvas in sepia of a winding country road lined by trees either side. As I looked at it, I felt calm and comforted. It's huge and exactly the right size to hang above my bed’. Then a disaster occurred. On watching Eastenders “there was my tree picture on the wall in one of the youngsers house's. Oh great. So, now I don't want the tree picture. Eastenders is purposely tacky and the houses are furnished hideously. “ Can you believe that she puts this stuff on line? More bitterness “Although I do have an IQ of 136, which is far higher than Traci - sorry, harsh but true. Love it!’. And then she reckons that she is going to start a fight with a red head “I'd like to point out that I've heard from various people that Rula has been saying since she left "everyone was scared of Pete, noone would stand up to him" - clearly she's forgetting that actually I DID stand up to him and was the only one who dared. Two-faced silly old cow. No, Rula, YOU were too scared to stand up to him and now you are trying to make out that everyone was, as it makes you look better. When I see her at the stupid reunion show I have to do this Friday, she's going to get a large chunk of my mind. Speak for yourself Rula, you old hag, DON'T include me in your weakness and lack of morals.’ Last thing “As I write this, I have just received a text from a male celeb.”

Pete thinks that Chantelle loves Preston, that Preston loves the headlines this attracts and that his bird will rip his cock off once he’s out. Traci thinks that he must be dumped by now. Pete, George and Dennis have dumped Michael. Pete thinks that he is after the kiddie’s vote and that he would rip his intestines out to win. Michael really seems to believe that he has a chance of winning as he has not been nominated for eviction (different voters) and because of the reception he got from the crowd on the first night.

Since the banking task began Pete regularly refers to Preston as a little shit, sneaky, cunning and the Oldies are appalled at how easily the 2 youngsters lied. Maggot was given the real results to read out. Chantelle took the deception better than Preston and laughed. “We did it for you guys”. George asked “what you had all that food, cigars and drink for us?” When asked why they had lied so much they said that they were pissed, making the whole situation a lot worse. Preston would like it to be history but Pete told them what good liars they are and how dumb they are that they didn’t realise that they were being watched. George told Preston that he had double standards. He maintains that he would not have touched the food, drink and cigars if he had been there. Preston called George a cheating politician again but to his face this time. At this slight Dennis could take no more and got involved and blew his top at Preston and asked how come George only became the bad guy when Preston found out that he wanted to nominate him. Chantelle actually asked Dennis “do you think I’m boverred? Do you?’

Michael intervened and tried to break up the fight. This led to George and Michael rowing and George telling Michael that he is self obsessed and he said “Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.” Preston piped up “Wanker, you wanker. Pour me Saddem Hussain’s phone number”. Pete told Preston that he was a wanker for shouting out wanker. Pete reckons that George was not referring to Michael’s past alcoholic problems when he said “poor me, pour me”. Michael’s biggest insult was “no wonder Blair threw you out” to which George replied “keep talking Michael”. Michael did not cry. Indeed he calmed down and told everyone that until they have been in his position, that they should keep their opinions to themselves. He bleated on again about what’s been written about in the papers. Once again I do not know how I feel about him being in the house. It’s still not funny.

Still, it’s just like having Jodie back in the house.

Days since my last fag : 6
Days until I get my life back : 3

ccb day 19

I’m tiring of my task now.

Got it?. Very clever. Their alarm call song was Dolly Parton’s 9-5. What a way to make a living indeed.

Fix, fix, fix. Only Chantelle and Preston were near the phone when it rang. BB wanted them to do the task. Boo. Boo. They are directors and the other housemates are a bunch of bankers.

Preston & Chantelle think that they have it sussed, but Pete calls them children who think that they have everything worked out. Preston keeps remarking that they are the most mature people in there. Preston’s suit makes Pete want to hit him. Chantelle is now openly rude about Traci and Dennis and openly hostile to them. I hope that this loses her votes. Preston is so cool that he has a Clockwork Orange Eye to go with his bowler hat. It looks awful. I don’t think Chantelle understood what was going on.
Traci running around in her skimpys isn’t fooling anyone. Dennis confirmed that she was “running around for the camera”. There are only 2 women left and Traci’s fighting for survival
George wants Chantelle to be evicted. He is still angry and sulking and is not happy about having his right to nominate taken away from him by his fellow housemates.

As reported here, the Oldies were already getting fed up with Chantelle and Preston. This task is not helping the youngster’s cause at all. It is funny watching Preston & Chantelle squirm. They almost threw in the towel after just a little ribbing. It almost, but not quite, turned into banker gate. Pete called Preston & Chantelle liars and stirred it so much that BB asked him if he thought that he was behaving like a complete banker. He liked that. Chantelle objects to being called a liar, forgetting that she spent the first week lying to them, badly, that she was a pop star and even swore on her Mum’s life. The first signs of a row between Preston and Chantelle flickered. He thinks the rowing about being called a liar is boring. Chantelle, shut it, you are lying. Preston is trying to make up to Pete by hugging him. It simply makes him want to hurl. It’s the first time that Pete has pointed his bile at Preston. It looks like tomorrow’s show might be good.

Days since my last fag : 5
Days until I get my life back : 4

ccb day 18 / day 4 no fags

Chantelle has run out of foundation and has used a bit of Traci’s. Preston told her that she looks orange, a bit like Dicky Davidson. Pete says that he has run out of clothes, as he doesn’t want to wear any of his outfits twice. Chantelle pointed to at least 8 or 9 unworn outfits as he, in a beautifully mimicked Andy from little Britain, said “yeah I know’, ‘don’t like that one” and “I don’t want that one”. It was a bit surreal.

Poor Jodie’s 1000 words for the News of the World have been cut to approx 250. Ah.

The nominations for Wednesday's SHOCK double eviction are: Chantelle + Dennis + George. George will definitely go. The other is harder to call. It will probably be Dennis as Chantelle has been a favourite for a long time, but support for him has been growing of late. She has been trying to turn Preston against Dennis and it all depends on C4 editing here on. I suspect that C4 will make her look good now as there are only 2 women in the house and for the publicity that the show would get from a non-celebrity winning the prize. If Traci is the last woman left in the house, her ego will know no bounds.

Chantelle took the eviction announcement breezily enough saying that her foundation problem was less serious now. Dennis worked out. George was expecting it. Pete cried that he was out of the number of nomination chart now and is crying out for some adversity in his life. Pete and Dennis are bonding quite a lot of late. Pete is shocked at the nominations and once again mentioned how shocked he is that Jodie was voted out. This led to yet another bitching session which will be reported here as Jodie gave up smoking on the penultimate day in the house and yet her first blog when out of it read “Going now, need a rest and a fag (not Pete - a cigarette)’. Any feeble old excuse will do for me. Pete informed Dennis that Jodie has LA and Playboy aspirations “No way man. She’s too big, she’s not pretty. Not the way she is”. “Saggy tits?” Pete chipped in.

Preston has just announced that on their last tour, the band had NO MOET NO SHOWET on their rider. It’s about time someone explained that to him that promoters deduct all expenses from settlements. Der.


Hurrah, spring is on the way. It’s getting lighter and lighter all the time.

Dear jimbob
Michael Barrymore is ‘fragile’. He constantly talks about himself and his recovery. The only HM who can tolerate this is Pete. Michael obsessively cooks and cleans and holds court in the kitchen. Some of the housemates, like Traci, feel they cannot cook because of his stranglehold of the area. Others, like Chantelle, get barked at for taking things like mayonnaise out of the fridge. He gets no sleep and has gradually unravelled. The oldies have not nominated him because of his psychological condition. The youngies like his cooking. This will all change now as he has been picking fights for the last couple of days, in particular with gentle giant Dennis. The whole thing gives me the shivers and I remain unsure about his inclusion in the house at all.
Yours codenamelizzy

Pete got a formal warning from BB for breaking the rules and not staying in the room with the others during eviction time. I bet he’s scared. He won’t care if they televise his nominations or discussions, as we know he is missing the adversity he has lacked for a whole day now.

Michael has started stockpiling cigarettes. George thinks it’s a drink and drugs substitution.

George was punished for discussing his nominations. Preston collected an envelope and read out loud what George had actually said. He had commented on everyone but in particular mentioned that he would liked to have nominated Preston and Chantelle but couldn’t because Preston was with him in the Diary Room and they both had to agree on the nominations. As a further punishment the housemates then voted on whether or not George should be able to nominate this week or not. Preston was clearly angry even though it’s the point of the show. These youngsters eh. Maggot lost it with George too when he watched footage of George nominating him on the BB TV. We should be telling them to ‘get a room” not a life. Pete then did a marvellous Cher impression “If I could turn back time”.

There was an actual ballot booth. Chantelle voted “no” verbally for the benefit of the viewers. So did Preston who said “a cheating politician eh, who would have thought it.” Pah, someone tell these kids that discretion is the better part of valour.

Who nominated who;
Chantelle: George as he’s shifty and crafty + Dennis as he’s disrespectful and rude (look Jodie - no Pete, no Michael)
Dennis: Chantelle as she doesn’t contribute anything and hasn’t done a thing + Michael as he’s breaking down and needs to renew his views on what’s going on in his life
George: the HMs voted against him nominating this week
Maggot: Pete + George, as he should be out doing his job
Michael: Dennis, cos he came at him twice (this is laughable) + Pete because he’s high maintenance. A ha ha.
Pete: Traci + Chantelle
Preston: George + Dennis, as Michael is his new best friend and because Chantelle is poisoning him against Dennis
Traci: George as he’s two faced + Chantelle as she only knocks about with Preston and gives her funny looks

George is upset that he has been nominated. Preston is sulking about what George said.

They must have put something in water. Preston asked Pete not to smoke in the bedroom. He had a sneaky smoke when they were all asleep and when he still wanted to leave (after the stress of his coat getting a long stretch). And then Maggot and Pete brought up Michael & Dennis’ row with Dennis. I think it was an attempt to tick him off. Maggot reckons that he will face up to Pete soon. Pete thinks that Chantelle and Preston are playing to win and are befriending Michael to get him on side. He says that Preston is sly but really Preston is just a skinny over tattooed twat who thinks he’s smarter than he is and who is easily influenced by a blonde bint who says “no way” a lot and who fancies him. Pete and George are drifting away from Michael and perhaps the lack of pep talk is why Michael is losing it. Pete talks a lot of sense, is hilarious and I would definitely want him on my side.

A tedious task. It was a bit funny.

day 17 cbb / day 3 no fags

Reactions to the wicked witch’s eviction.

Pete had an awful day yesterday. I cannot find anything in the news, but I suspect that he was grilled by the Police. Unlike other Big Brother shows that run for longer, Channel 4 have been leaking the news quite early. Here though is newsworthy footage and I suspect we will have to wait until tonight’s show to learn more. He wants to leave and has started acting like a tosser. I have switched allegiance to Dennis. I wonder if it will last.

I’ve been up since 7am reading Middlesex by SUNLIGHT. It’s a beautiful sunny day. It's so sunny that my hibernating lady birds have woken up and are moodily walking along the window sill. I have rediscovered my sense of smell and taste, my skin is recovering it’s colour, texture and is retaining moisture. Out jogging yesterday, I found an energy that I thought I had lost in my youth and I have an extra £20 in my pocket. All good eh. However, I’m also snappy, moody and ready for a fight. Used to always having something in it, my mouth is constantly moving, meaning that an endless stream of drivel is coming out of it, whether I’m alone or not. My bowels are not functioning properly, I have a headache and my body is a constant live wire. It did not hurt this much the last time I gave up. I stopped thinking about it after a couple of days. I sincerely hope that this pain will help me in my cause.

I’m back from the first class in my 10 week painting course. I’m not going to bother going back as there were no fit men and I didn’t get a snog.

Pete’s coat has been arrested. BB took it out of his suitcase days ago when he was up for eviction. He didn’t notice it was gone until Dennis asked him where it was. On hearing that it could be seen as Jodie’s final revenge Pete said that they should arrest her saggy tits. Pete wasn’t happy at all and George went into the Diary Room to advise that some sort of financial settlement might be necessary. Pete threatened to leave but I think that he needs his fee so he has to stay. It would be very dull without him.

Dennis called Traci a honky, as her self-portrait is white. Preston and Chantelle slagged Dennis off. They think that Pete doesn’t spar with Dennis as he’s scared of him but I just think that they get on because they justdon’tgiveamotherfuckingshit. Plus they are forgetting that Dennis is a transvestite and pretty god damn cool. I wish he’d put a frock on. Hopefully Chantelle will lose some votes over the slatings she is giving him, as I really don’t want her to win. That would be pathetic. We have enough fabricated reality stars and don’t need another. She’s got no skill and is thick as pig shit. She can charm them when she wants to, but so what. I’ve seen her with Jodie too and she was very easily drawn into her bitter bile.

Michael’s lost it. He can’t keep still, he gets no more than 3 hours sleep a night and he unadvisedly picked a fight with Fun Guy Dennis and went on and on and on. I’ve never liked him. My Mum used to love him and laugh out loud when he was on the box but all I can remember is him being cruel and humiliating people and making them look really stupid. Dennis told him that he could argue all night and that Michael should back down, as he is the fragile one. The row was over fags.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Michael Barrymore for helping me give up the excesses in my life. He should be used in all public health warnings and prevention notices.

do you think I could move in?

the third person to be evicted from the CBB house

3 in a row. Rula, the red headed shame is out.

Some of the crowd booed Rula, the wicked witch but the rest just didn’t care that she was there at all. She said that it felt hard to be evicted as the public voted for it. They replayed the nominations immediately. Davina and Rula could not look each other in eye just then. She feels that the George betrayed her. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Jodie Marsh must be gutted. I think that we should warn Gordon Brown if she wants everyone who has ever been rude about her to be locked up or sacked. The economy could collapse. Bad luck Jodie, they are far from sacked and they used an awful picture of you.

Pete had a rough day over the coat and was not in the room with the other HMs when the results were read out. I think that the Police grilled him.

day 16

Tsk tsk. Preston still maintains that he has done nothing wrong. It looks like Chantelle’s halo is slipping. But taking it out on Dennis who has taken on the mammoth task of keeping Traci even half way sane, who has been more than sweet to Chantelle and who she spent some time considering a liaison with at the beginning is not on. I guess that she doesn’t need him now that she’s got Preston.

Traci is unravelling. Pete was awful to Traci but as you can see, she does bring it on herself. And you have got to feel for Pete. It’s day 2 of no smokes for codenamelizzy and I could kill.

Nomination reactions: Dennis made up for yesterday by telling Traci on waking that she was the only person who acted fucked up on the show and that he was going to mess her up all day. Apparently she got really pissed after seeing her nomination and acted like a psycho with her “I was nominated. I was nominated’ madness and kept them all awake until 4am. Pete thought that her head was going to start spinning around. So, in comparison, Rula and Maggot took it quite well. Maggot is surprised how wrapped up in Chantelle Preston is. Preston cannot look him in the eye. Maggot knows that George feels bad about nominating him but still slated him in the Diary Room saying that he should be out doing the job that he’s paid for. He may forgive him but not just yet. George is blanking Rula so now we’ll see if her good karma will last. Someone tell Jodie Marsh, Chantelle and Pete hugged again!!!! Traci went mad bird like while Rula and Maggot bonded. George now loathes Rula saying that she in insincere. George and Pete think that Traci thought she would win because of her boobies and that she thought she could act a certain way for 3 weeks. Rula is being a bird and asking everyone whom he or she will see again once they leave the house. I think she wants to be certain that she’s not the only one leaving without mates. Who cares man? It’s a game. They are not your friends.

The troubled Rula turned to Dennis for advice. He growled his response in the manner of Don Corleone while reclining in a darkened room, reminding her that everyone is playing the game and advised her to address the matter. She needed to get George still and giving eye contact in order for that to happen. She feels that George owes her an explanation for her nomination. Why? They all have to do it. Forget it about it. You are shaming red heads everywhere. Do a Dennis “idon’tgivearat’sarse’. She finally cornered George and he told her that he thought she had conducted a campaign with kisses, cuddle and hugs. She reckons that she’s always like that.

day 15

It's a close call on these nominations, but here’s who I want out.


A rash catch up. Wake up Preston. Chantelle and Jodie Marsh on the guest list just won’t suit you. Initially I thought that he had got a little Rock ‘n Roll.

The Police have visited but not for Michael.

Traci is the new Jodie ever since she became hormonal.

The HMs were woken by the sound of bells tolling. It was an ominous sound and it had woken them on the previous eviction night. Pete twigged it and screamed that “one of the minorities has to walk’, a theme that he maintained throughout the day. For once, Dennis kept his mouth and his hands to himself on waking and didn’t go near Faria, who Pete thinks is plotting a move to LA with Dennis. Rula did her meditative stretches in front of George arching her spine in a ‘provocative’ manner and stopped once he started talking to Michael and she had lost her audience

Pete informed the HMs that his Dad didn’t hug him or his Mum. This led to a series of group hugs with only Pete and Dennis reluctant to join in. Maggot shame on him cannot speak Welsh. Born and bred he is. Chantelle asked him if he comes from anywhere near Dundee.

There was a long spat between Michael and George with echoes of the previous day’s race row. Rula asked his view and when he growled that hedidn’tgiveadamnshitaboutthat, George felt that Rula was using her “superior command of the English language” to bully and badger Dennis into saying that he did have a view when he clearly didn’t. This was the first sign of trouble brewing between the love cats.

Preston and Chantelle were flirting again. She sat on one of his knees, while Rula was on the other and they hugged. Her outfits are getting more and more outrageous, in an Ibiza Town way. You just know he will go back to his girlfriend and Chantelle will be left bleating about how all men are unfaithful to her. Get your own bloke, bird.

It looks like Pete has a whole selection of possible eviction outfits, all gorgeous. The HMs were surprised that Faria was booed. Pete and Chantelle had their arms around each other. What will foul mouthed Jodie say about that? And she didn’t even vote for Pete. Expect the sour faced bitter old shrew to turn on her pretty friend very quickly and then diss her on a tee-shirt while at the party of the bloke who used to go out with Jessie Wallace from Eastenders which will go up in the gallery on her site or somefing. Phew. Rula obviously did not want to be evicted and Pete though that she was bordering on hysterical. She is annoying Pete and George.

Maggot tested Chantelle’s geography by quizzing her on the capitals of different countries. On asking her for the capital of France she volunteered Brussels and Belgium? Preston assumed that the game was a cruel way to take the piss out of her. I don’t think Maggot has that in him and that Preston in fact showed his own prejudice towards Chantelle.

No sooner than Faria was out, there were more nominations. Bugger, I missed this. Watching the reactions was TV gold. Traci was livid and thought that Dennis would be up for eviction next. George said that he would chose either Maggot or Rula next. Traci was shocked. Maggot took a deep puff of his fag. Rula looked devastated to be picked and took a shape intake of breath. When Preston and George came out of the diary room, Dennis told them straight away that they had seen the whole thing. “I never said that I wanted to win” Rula exclaimed but you can’t trust an actress. Chantelle comforted Preston with words and hugs.

Maggot was upset that George had selected him for eviction and said that if he thought that Maggot had been trying to make a fool of Chantelle, he should have said something at the time. George couldn’t maintain eye contact with Maggot, but surely he’s used to more in dirty tricks campaigns. George regretted that the evictions were made public but didn’t take back a word. This crowing left Maggot going mental and he easily swore as much as I do when I’m angry. He wants to chin him. Later Maggot confronted George and he again said that he would stand by his word. Maggot called him a back stabber to his face. Maggot has a face like thunder and I don’t think it will end there.

Maggot confronted the issue with Chantelle immediately and explained that it was just a game to relive boredom and was not intended to humiliate her. I like him again. Preston feels silly now. It was originally George’s idea to vote for Maggot and Preston was easily led, you don’t say.

Pete attacked Traci just for the hell of it. Dennis for once didn’t swear and just said, “I know. I know”.

Big Brother’s Big Gob, yes you’ve guessed it, excerpts from the delusional Jodie’s new blog entry. "I am calling PETA as soon as I finish this little blog to tell them about Traci's behaviour inside the house (hugging Pete while wearing the coat and apparently having no feelings whatsoever on the matter). She shouldn't be allowed to be associated with such a charity when clearly she doesn't even care about animals. The dumb bird justs wants to see pictures of herself in newspapers and magazines. Traci is a fraud and Dennis is no better. He too has worked for PETA - clearly he too, just wanted to get publicity and doesn't give a shit about animals. If either Traci or Dennis cared then they would have joined me in my argument with Pete Horrific Burns, instead they took his side and called me a "trouble-maker". Disgusting creatures, all of them. If you really must vote for the most hideous show on tv, then at least vote the fake, publicity hungry bastards out, that's Dennis, Traci, Pete, Rula, George, Michael and Maggot in case you were wondering........'
"Pete Burns I hope you get killed by a giant angry gorilla. And may you rot in the pits of Hell forever more you disgusting excuse for a 50 year old man/woman/thing/beast.... Oh, and sort your face out too. I can't help the way I look, but you actually CHOSE to look like that. What is up with you?!"

day 14 eviction night

Get your banners out, she's gone. She was booed.


It's TV Gold, a really good fight.

So, Faria the harpy is out as predicated here. That’s 2 correct predictions in a row, can I keep it up? At least now I can take the cotton wool out of my ears when I watch. Boy did she go with a big bang. She initiated a race row that did her no favours. It started with George and Rula slagging off Dennis and Traci, with Rula doing most of the talking. The wicked witch did not read the stage directions and didn’t realise that Traci was on her bed behind them waking from a slumber. Traci immediately ran to her compardre Dennis, I don’t give a shit, who coincidentally was with the screaming harpy Faria and grassed.

Faria, who regular readers here will know, previously lambasted the “English” for throwing her to the wolves (her words) after she sold her story, proved again that she is the biggest racist in the house by announcing that the British public would never allow a black or Asian person to win CBB. And she insinuated that we would be up in arms, marching in the streets with placards and goose-steps at the moral outrage. The same British public who voted Bez the winner last year. If he isn’t in a minority group of one I do not know who is. Traci, who is on the blob (an expression that she learnt from Preston and the novelty of using it has not worn off yet) and Faria tried to start a heated debate with Dennis. He told then that he was there to add ‘color” and spice things up.

Traci, good on her, confronted Rula with what she had overheard and Rula did a classic serve ball that surely will earn her a job in the Diplomatic services next. She said for whatever reason, that she and Traci had, although locked in a house together, had never had the opportunity to talk until that moment. Undeterred Traci then genuinely enquired whether or not Faria’s assumption is true. When Maggot sounded quite insulted, Michael was angry and Preston quiet rightly pointed out that there are other minority groups (Maggot is Welsh, Michael is gay, Chantelle is an Essex Girl, Pete is Pete, George is a fascist Scotsman who will never live down his link to Sadem Hussein and Rula is an aging red head) in the house, and that Traci had not even been nominated yet, the out of her depth Traci cited Dennis’s ‘color’ comment and said that he was in the other room upset. The conversation got quite heated and Michael went to get Dennis from the bedroom as he felt that if they all felt offended that the matter should be discussed openly in a heated debate. Dennis was so enraged by the earlier comments that he had to be woken up from a sleep.

You can almost guess what his first words were and I think that they were “what the fuck”. He guessed that it had something to do with Traci. Michael left the room and it again turned into a conversation with Dennis, Faria and Traci. Dennis was annoyed that anyone had been speaking on his behalf, after all he is big and ugly and was especially annoyed that is was Traci, again, taking his name in vain. It turned out that both of the ladies had misunderstood his ‘color’ observation. He had meant charisma and spice and looked quite insulted that they had not understood him. He began a motherfucking idon’tgiveashitaboutanyoneinthishouse rant and told Traci that “you started this motherfucking shit, you go and finish it” and explain to the other housemates that he had been misquoted. The others waited in the kitchen while the ‘minority’ group argued in the bedroom. During this time George made a rather unfortunate comment, saying that ‘they’ had made exceptions for Dennis that they would never make for a white man. Ohhhhhhhh ah, how many voters will he lose there? Sadly, he may gain some too.

The action moved to the dinner table where Faria admitted to having taking Dennis’s comments out of context and surprise surprise there were tears. “I’m OK about leaving. I know who nominated me. It’s all fine”.

I liked this “I’m in the lead”, said Pete on receiving his second possible eviction notice. If Pete’s voted out I’m leaving the country.

Richard & Judy and Faria’s eviction interview tomorrow.

Plus I have figured out why Pete is on the show!

day 13

Up for eviction are Dennis the Predator, Faria the Harpy and Pete, who defies classification. Who nominated who.

Analysis
2 nominations : Chantelle + George + Michael + Pete + Rula + Traci
3 nominations : Dennis + Faria
0 nominations : Maggot + Preston

Maggot probably got no votes as presumably everyone has forgotten he’s in there. The casting vote for Pete was placed by the wicked witch Rula. Boo hiss. It looks like I was wrong about Pete being nice to her then. I do not know if they are aware that the next eviction is on Wednesday.

Reality TV gone mad.

Another relatively dull show. Preston is now 24. Immediately on waking on the morning after the night before Dennis told him that he had his hand on Chantelle’s arse the night before (pre birthday drinks) and by all accounts Dennis kept this up all day. They screamed and shrieked in protest but they can deny it all they like. It was caught on film and is bound to be in their best bits.

Rula is still getting right up Pete’s crack (his words blog people). He’s still in a strop about the fags and coffee but no longer wants to leave, probably just to spite Rula. He pointed out that they are both drugs and that he’s not in rehab. Michael, who has been in rehab 8 times, remains the most effective deterrent I have ever seen for not over indulging in drink and drugs. He stumbles his way through every sentence and it sometimes takes him quite a while to locate the word he needs in order to finish his sentence.

Nominations: Dennis told Faria that he wouldn’t be bothering her again. Is it because of a preconceived idea you have she asked? What like a kiss and tell I ask? Or so he could drink his tea without fear of piss in it? It led to her nominating him. Pete, relentless in his teasing of the dim Chantelle, threw the naive one by saying “go stab 2 people in the back” as she walked to the Diary Room. They all laughed apart from Rula, as she was not sure if the power of the pants would be revealed to them during nominations or not. Once Chantelle got back she cried, “oh you’re next” when Dennis was called, as usual, in alphabetical order. Faria tried to nominate herself. “Oh this so hard”. Hardly throwing yourself on your sword is it? Preston looked shifty whilst nominating Dennis for his teasing and knows that there will be trouble at home. Traci was called to the Diary Room before Rula. Is it a mistake? What’s going on? Etc etc. Rula had to call on all her acting skills to bluff them over her pants of power until she got into the Diary Room. Pete sussed it out and said she had the shitty job committee job to do. Inevitably she voted for Pete citing him as high maintenance, unpredictable, undomesticated and for constantly demanding more all the time. In the Diary Room she was told that she could reveal the power of the pants if she chose to but could not discuss nominations. She told them with little persuasion, in the most dramatic tear felt manner. "Alas, poor house mates! I knew them; a crowd of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." She is an actress you know.

Traci has taken over Jodie’s bird mantle. She feels that the housemates are against her because she’s American. I suppose it’s nomination fever. Dennis has revealed that Traci used to hit on him all the time, even in front of his old girl friends. I suppose that’s why she keeps bickering with him and with Dennis and Faria getting on so well, she feels left out. But like Jodie, she’s segregating herself. Everyone else feels a team vibe.

Preston’s birthday party had a Mods and Rocker theme. They all had to do a mod or rocker solo dance in front of the other housemates. George loved Rula’s raunchy set. He was awful but Pete screaming ‘swing that colostomy bag” probably didn’t help. Preston says that he has not ever laughed so much since he’s been in the house, not in all his life and he’s not exaggerating. Faria finally admitted to fancying Dennis. Traci thinks Faria may be the one. LA airhead bull shit. Dennis gave Faria a peck on the cheek and promised her a sushi date when they get out. I knew he’d do it. I wonder if he’ll get bored now. Rula’s warned her off and said to be careful until they get out explaining that it would add fuel to her particular vote. Hmmm, that was a hint that she has been nominated for eviction before Faria knows. RULA OUT. RULA OUT. I wonder what Dennis will say when he finds out that she nominated him for eviction.

I liked this: Pete to Michael, do you think sucking dick has given you some sort of superior knowledge?

I’m out to tea on Wednesday – who wants to deputise?


I've made you all a banner.

day 12

The weekend coverage was dull in comparison to the eviction. So far Jimmy has not managed to liven up the proceedings. George was very impressed with Jimmy’s stories that he invented Top of the Pops and broke the Rolling Stones in the UK after their first single flopped. George wasn’t happy with Dennis’ reaction to Jimmy and sanctimoniously said that if a US idol had walked in instead of Jimmy, he would have treated them well. Completely forgetting the fact that Dennis is a US idol and he’s been more than rude to and about him. Jimmy bored Pete who was petrified that they would be stuck with him for the duration.

But a booze-fuelled party for Preston’s birthday has propped the show up. It’s somehow morphed into ‘Celebrity Love Island’. Dennis and Traci are at each other’s throats. As regular readers will know he has alluded to Traci’s behaviour when drinking before. Dennis and Faria are holding hands, spooning and playing games. Faria has admitted that she used to love watching him play basketball. And he went out with Madonna for 2 years. I think he’ll get there, if he doesn’t go off the idea first. By the by, Faria’s nickname when she was young was fire alarm. She thinks is because the words are spelt in a similar way (?) but really it’s because of the awful screech that comes out of her mouth every time she opens it. Chantelle and Preston are brewing nicely. Preston had a girlfriend when he entered the house although who knows if he still does. While he is determined to down play it, the oldies are trying to warn her how it looks to the outer world and protect her for her impending stardom. Granted Preston has handled the media before, given interviews and has even done TOTP, but there is a huge difference between the media frenzy that they will meet if they do get it together and his press officer plugging away at music publications.

Rula and George are hyping Chantelle up and letting her know how it’s going to be. George completely forgetting that Chantelle is herself a look-a-like herself, thinks that there are already Chantelle look-a-likes out here already. They are acting as her agent and her manager and desperately trying to find a gap in the market for someone with no obvious talent. Anything other than Page 3 and the joint glamour shoot that Jodie’s planning. George is realistic enough to know that she’s no singer. Chantelle however, thinks she worked the room when she performed her song and is a 4/10. Delusional. Preston advised her that no matter what, she should not promote herself as another one of BB’s blonde bimbos. Errrr.

In real life, The Ordinary Boys “Boys will be Boys’ (how ironic) is being re-released on Monday and has gone on the Radio 1 C List.

The lack of fags is really getting to Pete and he’s being a proper bitch. Faria and Rula have moaned about it. On his bitch rounds he told Chantelle and Preston that he would cut Preston’s cock off if he was his girlfriend and told Chantelle that she can’t be as dumb as she acts. He tested his theory by asking her a series of ludicrously easy questions such as “what’s your address”. But I think she is dumb and he knows she is too. He’s trying to get nominated for eviction as he misses his boyfriend. He was shown a video message of him and his ex wife, against all odds they all get on. His boyfriend told him that he had packed him some trousers and that he should put them on. I don’t know if that’s because he’s only been wearing skirts and skimpys or because he’s been walking around in his pants. Either way Pete put them on. He cried after the video message. Dennis gave him a man hug. Pete’s great and must win.

Oh no, Pete wants to leave now and says that it’s car crash telly at its lowest common level. No coffee, no fags, (his staple diet), no sleep (Dennis and Michael are still snoring every night) and no privacy in the bathroom (his sanctuary). He’s not having fun and told BB straight that he wants to go, making free use of the f word. Dennis was given some pampering products from Jimmy. Dennis and Pete went to the Diary Room to reactivate the trade embargo system. Pete told them to stick them where the sun don’t shine and to swap them for fags and coffee. BB obviously knows that Pete is the star and gave in, making Dennis look like a hero in the process.

Dennis started the day by jumping on top of Faria. On asking if she should get used to this, he told her not to flatter herself. Just in case, Faria now applies make-up of a morning. Chantelle is adamant that she would never kiss Preston because he has a girlfriend. All her boyfriends have cheated on her. Preston also denies that there is anything going on with Chantelle and says that they get on so well BECAUSE he misses his girlfriend. However, a few red wines later and Preston had his arm around her, is stroked her hip and hugging her and said “you are the tyre of person that I love”. Faria is adamant that she does not fancy Dennis. George has given Faria a pep talk about her having done nothing wrong with Sven (all over 30, none of them married blah blah), no doubt paving the way home to his own girlfriend over his non-stop flirting with Rula. So there’s nothing going on right!!!

Chantelle told Preston that he has a 2 track mind, cigarettes and alcohol. But he’s no Liam Gallagher! Rula’s still wearing the power pants. The group do not know it’s a task that gives her special powers. Michael told George that he was in the TAs until he got ejected for throwing a fag out of a second floor window. What an unfortunate thing to tell the British public. Jokes about his case are unacceptable and I shall not be making any. It’s not funny.

Is Maggot still in there? I’ve gone right off him. He is a little maggot.

day 11

Read all about it. Yawn. No one likes a grass. I hope that Chantelle’s family and Preston’s girlfriend do not read it.

Back to the box task, they are so far behind me on Channel 4 (see day 10). Pete said that the boxes were like a Yoko Ono exhibition. As we know it didn’t take George long to figure a way out of it. They all really depend on him for this. They want him to take command and he sees himself as the Elder Statesman. So he came up with the vote. As soon as BB announced that a coffee, fresh orange juice and croissant breakfast was in the Diary Room Preston (or Prestwood as Pete calls him) legged it. Pete followed a close second while nominating Rula to win the prize. Maggot said he had combat training and could stay in there all day. And that he could shit in a bag and not leave a trace. It nearly turned into an international incident. Michael apparently keeps calling Traci and Dennis “the Americans’ and it’s making Traci uncomfortable and may be causing a divide. Both Rula and George think that they would have won. At their age, with their backs! No way. Rula stayed in the box for 52 minutes and won the pants of power prize. She has to wear them over her trousers. They will give her special powers come Wednesday, eviction day. I think they’ll make her do something cruel with her power. She’s the one most likely to want to get rid of the youngsters, like a wicked witch. Leave a trail of bread crumbs kiddies.

Poor Rula felt a bit picked on by Pete on eviction day. He had bossed her around a bit. She didn’t get much sympathy from Michael who explained that Pete is high maintenance but she did get a hug from Preston. Michael cruelly pointed out that it looked like she was packing him off to school. Preston thinks that George or even Faria could win. George told Pete how Rula felt. Pete refers to Jodie’s eviction as exorcising the demon and wants things to be OK now that she has gone, so I think he’ll make an effort with her now. George thinks that there are new issues opening up. This could be ‘the Americans’.

Pete is desperate for fags. He struck a deal with BB. He brought a cigar to the Diary Room and BB gave him 20 cigarettes. Pete thinks that he has outwitted BB by setting up a trade embargo system. Pete didn’t want to lie to the others and have to smoke in secret but has been forced into concealing the fact by George, who doesn’t want everyone asking him for cigars. Chantelle’s dumb girl act (? she’s just dumb) and Rula’s pernickety ways are irritating Pete. He likes them and thinks some of the irritation is down to the lack of fags.

Dennis has been spooning and rubbing himself up against Faria. They are developing a ‘thing’. It’s been noticed. Preston, the least exciting man in rock and roll, has a crush on Chantelle, who will be a one hit wonder. I suspect that Chantelle has a wee one right back at him. At least now that Jodie has gone, she is having a laugh and has applied some colourful paint strokes to her blank canvass. They have been flirting. Pete, the self-titled designated decoration, pissed on their parade by pointing out that their playground antics could be misconstrued by the outer world. They were a little deflated but you can see that he means well.

When Jimmy rang the doorbell to get in, Michael told Pete not to answer the door in case it was a kid and he scared em. If anyone thinks that Jimmy Saville is a one off, he’s not. I’ve met old school men from Manchester exactly like him. He won them over with talk of the Beatles, apparently he had something to do with them writing Paper Back Writer, and his old club days. He’s flattering them, especially Rula and Michael, and this has inevitably sprung a leak in Michael’s well. We found out through Jimmy that Rula was once banged up in Poland for a few months for smoking a joint. Something that Pete is gagging for too, but BB keeps blanking that out. They’ve all written a Dear Jim Please fix it for me letter. Your letter was only the start of it. Jimmy is a guest, not a housemate and does not stay over night as he could not be held responsible for what him and the ladies would get up to.

Later today, in real time……Dennis has now managed to get the housemates fags and coffee. Initially I thought it was him being fluffy! Then I thought it was because he had enough of their bitching over the much-needed items. On reflection it was probably a more subtle seduction technique.

day 10

As a task the housemates had to stay underneath cardboard boxes for as long as possible. Preston and Pete were the first out, if they ever got under and tucked into a luxury breakfast. It took me a good long while to figure out whether or not Faria was still under her box. George suggested defeating the system and democratically voting on a winner, so that they didn’t have to sit on the dirty floor. For him it was a selfless action as he made it known that if it persisted as a competition that he would win. Surprise surprise he nominated Rula, his fancy woman to win the prize, because she’s ill, has done a lot of cooking and because he likes red heads. What a man. Even though Traci wanted to stay in her box so that she could sleep and Michael wanted to stay in his box in case he got some fags, they eventually all agreed. You can read all about it George’s infatuation here and here.
George lapping it up. I found it all a little too tedious to blog about. Sorry.

Now Jodie’s gone I suspect that he will be the tabloid’s new target. Inside the house, Pete is worried that he will kick off with Rula and Rula felt a little picked on yesterday. Even though there is a lot of guilt over Jodie’s treatment, I think that most of them are pleased that she said been evicted.

We see the back of Jodie, until tomorrow's tabloids.

This is from her first blog after eviction : C*nts, self-obsessed c*nts. People dead in swimming pools, big scary lips, dead gorillas flying past my window, strange American whining in ear, fake boobs and 50 year old men turn into cats. Old women bitching and getting off on weird cat man. Promise to write tomorrow with sense and secrets.

Pete slept with a pair of underpants over his head. He has renamed Dennis as Fluffy. Fluffy talked about sex within seconds of waking. Tonight’s footage was eviction day and they all handled it in different ways. Pete admitted to being borderline hysterical and that he’d been guilty of producing bad energy, something that he had accused Jodie of. He thinks that she’s addicted to friction. Now, he just wants to separate himself from the bad energy. Plus he’s missing his geezer. He’s scared that George will be evicted and thinks that he stops him from his tendency to get hysterical. George compared it to an election day and steeled himself for a response that could go either way for each candidate. Jodie just moaned. She wanted to leave and swore on her mum’s life that this was true. This phrase trips off her tongue so often that you can tell she is well practiced in it. Maybe no one ever believes a word she says. She wanted to go as there was no-one to snog. She wasn’t happy because she couldn’t be outrageous. She’d rather be out getting wrecked in a club, snogging a bloke and have someone hold her hair while she gets sick in the bog. Her words blog people. Chantelle told her that she could snog Dennis. She replied that she would never do that and claimed that he had no morals as he had slept with so many people. George overheard it all and grassed to Rula and Dennis.

Jodie’s original eviction outfit was going to be a combat jumpsuit. Pete told her that she didn’t parachute in and talked her into glamming up. George suited up and Pete wore another handkerchief outfit (great pecs, arse and legs!). He’s been head to toe Vivienne Westwood (I think) every day.

On hearing the results Pete was speechless. He thought it would be him or George and had even shaved his legs for the occasion. Preston and Michael thought it would be Pete. George was relieved and along with Rula has a new found respect for BB viewers. A bit of outrageous flirting followed. Preston thinks there will be no more rows now as everyone gets along. Ha ha. Maggot also threatened to leave Britain if Jodie wins CBB. He’d be happy for Pete to leave, wants George to stay as he’s a team player and would be happy for Jodie if she was evicted as she could then drink, smoke, eat and have sex anytime she wanted.

Traci had to do an assault course in order to get her birthday party. Dunking her head in slime is a long long way from filming Baywatch. It was unlucky Friday the 13th for her though and on going to the Diary Room she was given a present, told to go to the bedroom and open it. There was a note inside which she was told to read out loud. It said that she was not allowed into her party until Midnight. Oh well, she said, I’ll just pick up my presents and go in there. When the door was locked she was confused until she suddenly remembered the content of the letter she had read out …. seconds before. She tried to tell the others her fate through the glass. Michael couldn’t hear so she mimed it. On communicating Midnight, she held up 17 fingers. She didn’t really miss much though. At the party Michael eerily imitated Jimmy Saville. All his impressions are 10-15 years out of date but Jimmy!! Spooky. Chantelle wore her dress the wrong way round and Rula did a strip, well she took off her Mummy bandages. They ran out of booze after about 1 ½ hours.

first eviction night

It's Friday the 13th and the first person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is….


























JODIE (told you)

The boos and cheers were an even 50/50.


I've never seen anyone react to boos like this before.

She asked for her Mum first and then her dog (in that heaving, noisy baying crowd). It took approximately 3 minutes for her to cry, even though Davina was as gentle as she could possibly be with her. Jodie felt that the whole experience was hideous. When asked if she thought that she had achieved what she went in for, to show the public what she’s really like, fun, a laugh and not a slag (her words), she said no. Davina explained that there are possibly reasons why the public perceive her in the way that they do. A montage followed of her sticking her tongue out, touching herself up, thrusting her tits out, with Maggot between her tits as she lay on top of him, with her infamous 2 belts top on, in Preston’s bed, her saying “I want to lick really tight neat nipples and eat some good pussy’, or words to that effect, her saying “I like a finger up the bum”, of her lagging drunk and in various states of writhing around with her hands on her breasts. Davina, ever so subtlety called her a dichotomy.


Giving her 'Why I am Famous' presentation

Davina then asked her if she was going to follow the advice that any of the housemates gave her. She looked at her like she was mad, a “what advice?” look. All she could remember was that someone had advised her to leave the country if she didn’t like the exposure. She explained, that she likes being a ‘celebrity’ but doesn’t like being called a slag. That was the end of that line of questioning.

Asked what she had learnt about herself she struggled for anything noteworthy to say and eventually came up with that she learnt that “she doesn’t get on with people who say that they are not transvestites when they are”. Then she was shown her nominations and was advised to hold her breath. The fact that 8 nominations is the highest ever number of votes was not mentioned. She remain silent throughout all of the clips except Dennis’s and then blurted out that the only reason he voted for her is because she told him point blankly that she would never ever sleep with him. Even I, Miss Put My Foot In It, find that these things are always best left unsaid. I wonder how she would react if someone said it to her. Actually I already know, there would be tears.

Asked to quickly comment on her housemates:
George “It’s whatever. Innit.”
Pete “Hideous.”
Faria “Top bird.”
Preston “Lovely.”

Low point: all of it
High point: Chantelle

It could have been a lot better.

Jodie has got a gob on her. She doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut. It would take months of abuse for me to get anywhere near as vicious as she was. And I would need to be really riled for a much longer period of time to be so insulting to or about people. On film I mean. In today’s footage she called Michael a psychopathic weirdo. Yesterday she told him that he needs to see a psychiatrist. She also mentioned it in her live interview. So far she has been the only person to be vocal on the fact that Michael fled the country. Today, she looked around to make sure that no one could hear her, clearly forgetting where she was, and said “I’ve got an issue with people dying in swimming pools”. She said that Pete looked like the Bride of Frankenstein. She unadvisedly said that Jordan’s nose is hooked and that she looks like a witch in profile. She told Dennis to his face that she would NEVER EVER sleep with him. On the first night she made sure that Dennis and Traci knew that Faria was only known for doing a kiss and tell. This, from the woman who did an OK interview and photo-shoot on why she had an abortion. And she was photographed out clubbing shortly afterwards. The man in question is on film as saying that he doubts she was ever pregnant. Either way he was not consulted before it was done, if it was. Miss Meat is Murder. I’m glad that Pete did not know about this while she was in the house. In the short time that she wasn’t moaning, bitching, looking for attention or plugging her book, she was saying things like “if there was a fit bloke here now I’d feel like a snog”, “I wish they’d bring a fit bloke in here”, “I need a hug”, “do you want an orgy” etc.

An interesting fact : Channel 4 said 18 viewers complained that Jodie had been bullied but 18 more complained about her behaviour.

JODIE MARSH CBB BLOG
THE END

Oh, there’s a surprise eviction on Wednesday.

I cannot wait to see what Traci and Dennis will make of Jimmy Saville in the age of PC. How does one explain the little boys and girls sitting on his knee? What will they make of his Flavor Flav bling? And his no nonsense Northern style? Will they be able to get things fixed and get a badge?

The CBB meanies kept Traci out of her own party for the first hour.

From what I can tell they have been given the following outfits to wear:
Chantelle is a Dracula nymphet
Dennis is a zombie
Faria is a ghost
George is Dracula
Maggot, or Mag Git as Chantelle calls him, is one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men
Michael is a mad doctor
Pete has a skimpy new romantic handkerchief outfit
Preston is a skeleton
Rula, or Ruler as Chantelle calls her, is a Mummy
Traci is a sexy devil

The party’s pretty dull, although watching Faria dancing was funny. A bit like watching one of your old school teachers dancing. George is flirting with Rula, this has been happening a lot of late. Dennis has been flirting with Faria and talks in an aggressive, thinks it’s sexy, way to Traci. He has, allegedly, twice talked in his sleep about Traci and we’ve seen footage of him muttering “Traci Traci. Stroke, stroke, stroke”. He’s also been perving by the pool and generally being a letch. Chantelle is quiet with a tendency to droop the bottom lip. I hope that she gets herself together soon, as this show is her big shot and she may not get another one. Preston cunningly used the eviction to get a hug from Chantelle. As The Ordinary Boys album sales are up 100%, the ladies must see him as a sensitive soul. He flitted from room to room in silence for a while after the eviction.

Earlier, Michael asked Pete for some glue. He handed it over without another thought as he was busy. Later Michael told Pete that he used the glue to stick his Mad Doctor nose on. Pete said “get it off quick, it’s surgical glue used to stick wounds together when stitches can’t be used”. Michael looked shocked and said “are you sure?” On hearing this Pete ended up in hysterics.

day 9

Maggot, previously my touchstone in the house, is having regrets about his past behaviour. With his, Chantelle, Preston and Rula’s encouragement last night they all happily played charades and everyone had a great time. I wonder then how much alcohol has had to do with the previous hormonal nights and sullen days. But now they have all run out of fags, apart from Maggot. I wouldn’t want to be locked in a house with a load of cold turkey smokers.

There will be booze (and fags?) tonight as it’s Traci’s birthday and Jimmy Saville is rumoured to be carrying. Traci doesn’t want to celebrate and won’t reveal her age, not realising that’s it’s here for all to see. Or maybe Dennis constantly referring to previous drunken LA nights has left her nervous about drinking? Maybe she’s Jodie like over there.

George doesn’t want to go but has a grip and realises that once he’s been out for 20 minutes he’ll be fine. Of course he doesn’t realise that his constituents are up in arms (get it?). He missed a vital Parliamentary vote yesterday. Pete is worried that George will be evicted and feels certain that Jodie is staying. He doesn’t want to be around her at all. Jodie wants to go. She is still moaning about how she’s been treated even though everyone else refers to it as in the past. She feels that Pete has been much nicer to everyone since he’s been nominated. I’m glad that she had a good night last night, as it is most likely to be her last. She is currently segregated again with Chantelle and Preston. They are in the pool. Chantelle, a bleached blond, doesn’t want to get her hair wet as the water may contain bleach. The oldies are speculating about what Jodie will say in her blog and to the NOTW. She is renown for washing her dirty laundry in public. Rula will leave Britain if Jodie wins. She’s grown fond of Pete and thinks that he has become less outrageous in the last 2 days. She thinks that’s it’s incredible that he hasn’t cracked up having spent the last 2 years having intensive surgery to some plastic surgery gone wrong. I agree, for someone so into how he looks, that could have killed him. He must have had to climb his way out of a huge depression.

Michael, the golden oldies human jukebox, sees everything as a cue to a song and has constantly led the house in song. He is growing on me. He constantly laughs at himself, even his tears and is currently pleased that the tank appears to be empty.

day 8

The full William Hill odds as of yesterday are as follows:

9/4 Preston
7/2 Michael Barrymore
7/2 Chantelle
4/1 Maggot
7/1 Pete Burns
16/1 Traci Bingham
20/1 Rula Lenska
33/1 George Galloway
33/1 Dennis Rodman
66/1 Jodie Marsh
66/1 Faria Alam

Now then. Will Jim Fix It for Jodie?.

Good news / bad news.

I’ve been blown out for tonight so I will be in CBB position after all. I also have a lie-in tomorrow, so I’m going to check out some late night coverage for you all. Saturday’s forthcoming full moon has left me an emotional wreck and I just have to find out if they are all being unreasonable about Jodie or not.

Operation Deep Throat.

Today a couple of soft lads in work told me that they couldn’t see the problem with Jodie and they couldn’t understand why people were being so horrid to her. Being a reasonable woman I considered this carefully. In the end I decided that, in ‘reality’, she must be being really vile for all of them to act this way towards her on national TV. Even Maggot, who seems like a reasonable man, a solid Welsh citizen, is sick of her. I believe that his favourite book is the Bible and he regrets that Jodie was able to seduce him into a face full of her tits so easily. Solid see, on a CBB reality level-scales. However, racked with guilt, I raced home tonight to prove the soft lads right.

It went like this.

On arriving home I tuned into the live coverage 1 hour behind, so that would make it 6.15pm in CBB real-time. Chantelle and Jodie were sitting alone, bitching about the oldies. They have been accused of not showing their elders enough respect and were moaning about it. Chantelle even moaned about having to apologise to Michael for making him cry. Once again she is a hard faced heartless harridan, who would rather sit there bitching in her once in a life-time, make-me-famous break than showing us that she’s fabulous. I remember her before she was famous. She was really sweet.

They managed to make it to the table to eat their dinner with the group. Jodie maintained a stony-faced silence, grunted one-word answers if actually addressed (I think she said yes to some ice-cream, most likely containing gelatine) and just stared at the space directly in front of her. Chantelle forced a little a sparkle. Then I read this, The early bird. Within 5 minutes of waking up!!!

Maggot spent a night with Chantelle. But nuffink happened alright. They slept in a special lab room with a Japanese language tape playing in the background to see if they could learn a little while asleep. This also meant that Jodie was alone that night too, so that must have been pretty horrible for her. In the morning they went to the Diary Room, where a Japanese BB discovered that they had not picked up a word. On being told to leave the Diary Room in Japanese 3 times by BB, Maggot leaned towards the camera and loudly said “I’M SORRY. IT’S NOT WORKED, WE DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU JAPANESE BIG BROTHER”. Ha ha. Bless, Chantelle didn’t get a lot of sleep and tried to have a nap in the afternoon. When BB woke her with an alarm she cried “Don’t they know I was up all night learning German?”

Pete is getting to some of the group, in particular George, Rula and Preston. He’s not looked after his plant and not talked to it every 15 minutes as required. He eventually killed it, when he was supposed to be encouraging it to grow. It’s rankled them and eventually led to them failing the task, along with Faria not being with her spinach with her at all times. They now have to live on a small budget for the next week.

However, Faria and Rula did find a little time to admire Pete’s facial work, and said that he is mesmerising, beautiful and exquisite. Jodie said “the more I look at him the more I think he looks like the bride of Frankenstein (I think)”. Rula looked very cross but bit her tongue. This is exactly the bitching that they all hate her for. Pete’s a bitch but he’s hilarious with it. Jodie believes that Pete has a serious issue with vegetarians.

There’s still a lot of bitching about Jodie. The rows are so inevitable now that they argued over whether or not an egg is an animal. Maggot dislikes the if you’ve been to the moon, I’ve been there twice element to Jodie. Pete’s told her that she doesn’t listen. Michael and George have yelled it at her. And Rula told her in the most diplomatic way possible. She feels terrible about the situation with Jodie and together with Chantelle they encouraged Jodie to sit with the group and “move on”. Rula pointed out that Pete had been awful to her too, it’s definitely non-exclusive to Jodie. Good on her, she came out.

Just when I could see a little glimmer of hope, she went into the Diary Room and blamed Chantelle for her current situation. One of the things that the group had a pop at Jodie for was going into the Diary Room with Chantelle after a row one time. This is because it was obvious they were bitching. Jodie, in her completely own unique reality, believes that if Chantelle told the group that she had invited Jodie into the room with her, that they would all think she was a nice person and like her again. She then talked to herself alone in the garden and went to bed early on her own. I’m too scared to say here what I think of her. Delusional hormonal birds are the scariest thing out there.

Faria, was finally asked about Sven and got the whole thing off her chest. Yawn. No one cares. Please can she go now?

Traci and Dennis have bonded a little. Her LA drinking was referred to, by him, again. She must have really scared him.

It’s typical that on the night that I can stay up late for an additional report, that they have no alcohol. They are actually playing charades. Everyone seems happy enough, apart from George who has gone to bed early to meditate on tomorrow’s evictions.

One accessorised lab uniform.

day 7

It'll end in tears.

Jodie's chosen charity.

George thinks that Jodie has a persecution complex. She now feels that 8 of the housemates are constantly having a go at her. She has been looking for sympathy while slumped on the couch looking for hugs and attention. This is because she has been nominated. This is much more than a game to her. George, although shocked at the possibility that he could be the first out, has maintained a stoic silence on the matter. Pete the red head’s only worry is that he won’t have time to pack properly on eviction. Don’t forget his boyfriend is not there and the gorilla coat may put up a fight.

Preston, the squarest man in rock, thinks that Jodie & Pete love each other really. Obvious lunacy.

Rula told Jodie that she looks good without make-up. Subtle as a brick.

Traci feels that Jodie has kidnapped Chantelle so that she can feel her nomination pain. Like a birthing partner, except that Jodie is dying here. They were drunk in the Diary Room. So drunk that Jodie’s eyes were slits. Jodie has admitted that she needs the money and that’s the only thing stopping her from walking out. She has to stay, after all she supports 8 charities and gives generously to them.

Dennis is obviously looking to a career in Hollywood and has advised BB of segments worthy of inclusion in the final BB edit.

Pete, who is full of camp facts, had hissy fit No.2 when he was expected to wear flat shoes as part of a uniform in a lab experiment task but he is happy with the outfit as long as he can accessorise.

Michael has been shamelessly plugging a sit com that he appeared in as serious actor. This was in the good old days. No one has heard of it. I think he should become a therapist as he talks therapy speak non stop. He fears that Jodie’s negativity is impeding his recovery. It could set him back years, but maybe he’d get an episode of Extras written about him. In which he could star as a serious actor.

They gathered them all together at 8am to announce those up for eviction

George blinked. Election nights have probably been very good practice
Jodie cried within a minute
Pete grinned

Jodie, a glutton for punishment as we know, wanted to know who voted for her. Little does she know that 8 of them did! Pete told the group that he voted for her. I don’t think she heard. It was not edited out. Will he be penalised for discussing nominations?

Shopping Task
Lab based experiments. George is the lab assistant as they have voted him to be the smartest. He is in a position of authority and is clearly relishing his role and barking out orders.

Trouble is brewing over Pete’s reluctance to wear the flat shoes. It’s not just his face that has been altered. 18 years of heels have apparently deformed his calf muscles. Laydees, let that be a warning to you. The group fear that they will be penalised for this possible flouting of the rules.

‘Houston, I hope you are listening as we have a problem here’, George’s aside to BB about Pete not being willing to wear his shoes. It’s an international issue already. Is he mates with bush too then?

Rula tried to reason with Pete, surely she should know better by now, by saying that if she was prepared to wear them with her bad foot then he should too. Pete pointed out the fundamental flaw in her argument. He was not prepared to. End of! Pete told Rula to f**k off over it and over her accusation that he hogs the loo and uses it as his dressing room. If she is a real red head she will have the patience of a saint and forget about the insult, as long as it does not happen again too soon and without good reason.

Faria has to eat spinach to see if it will make her stronger. It made her cry. She didn’t want the cameras to see her cry. Doh. Rula, the aging hippy (just what I want to be) gave her a head massage. I bet she’d eat a raw spinach leaf in a salad at the Ivy. What’s the problem?

Preston threw up 3 times after eating 50 liquor chocolates in under 2 hours to see if it would make him tipsy. He completed the task accompanied by a bucket. It got tense towards the end and Michael attempted to stop Chantelle screeching in Preston’s face and to give him some space. Instead of seeing the sense in his words she was a defensive bird about it and gave him lip. Michael, bless, left the area to sob his heart out. He sees everything in direct parallel to his own downfall and it saddens him to watch her downward spiral. Before she is even a celebrity. The phrase respect is used often.

It’s getting unpleasant.

Jodie and Chantelle have segregated themselves. Rula said that Chantelle is under her spell. They go into the Diary Room together, they sit apart from the group and they follow each other like they are going to the ladies in an Essex nightclub. There is no doubt about it, Chantelle has changed and she is now miserable, rude and cocky. She has lost the charm and humour that initially won them all over and has morphed into Vicky Pollard. Whatever.

Pete feels that they are making a statement with their segregation and has decreed that they should make one too. A group discussion followed about the bad influence that Jodie has on Chantelle. Rula had a pop, so did Dennis and Traci (in an LA fashion). George called Jodie wicked and said that she has corrupted Chantelle. Pete called Jodie a scheming manipulative bitch. Maggot even had a few words although he wasn’t unpleasant.

Jodie naturally feels that they are ALL picking on her. She doesn’t see the problem with her and Chantelle being friends, so is not quite grasping the point. The group aim is integration, apart from Pete who just wants nothing to do with Jodie and was obscenely rude to her.

I will find a good link tomorrow for you all. During the debate George informed Chantelle of Michael’s tears and it appears that she is bothered. She went to sort it out. The boys followed and before long Chantelle was laughing again. Hurrah. She has been welcomed back into the community.

Jodie went to bed.

Of course this all happened yesterday. I just flicked over to the live coverage and Jodie was walking through the house, alone and dejected.

It’s going to end terribly.

I am going out tomorrow night. Who wants to deputise? I will tape it and catch up at the weekend too.

In case I don't see you tomorrow, tune in on Friday night for up to the minute updates.

AT LAST A HAVE AN EXCUSE!

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Become anti-social. Get your resolution here

day 6

Up for eviction.

Who voted for who?

Chantelle - Rula and George
Dennis - Preston and Jodie
Faria - Jodie and Pete
George - Jodie and Pete
Jodie - Pete and George
Maggot - Pete and Jodie
Michael - Dennis and Jodie
Pete - Jodie and George
Preston - George and Faria
Rula - Dennis and Jodie
Traci - Jodie and Preston

Chantelle, Maggot, Michael and Traci received no nominations.

Pete is now an honorary red head. I’d love to travel on the tube with him.

The nominations were dull dull dull!

Maggot provided a little light relief by maintaining that the group must remain upbeat and buoyant at all times. Not a chance of that in this war zone. Jodie was very sullen and moody in the Diary Room. Surprise surprise. George says that she drinks too much and suffers from hangovers during the day. He called Pete a housemate from hell and said that Pete talks crudely about sex all the time. They must be b***ping that all out. B*****ks. Dennis thinks that Preston is too square to be a rock star. He thinks that Jodie bitches too much. Faria is just plain dull. What was she thinking of going on the show at all? I had expected her to nominate Chantelle as she told her she should be number 11 in the queue of how famous they all are. Go on gal, although it’s a little premature for her to believe her own hype. Oh dear. Michael came out with a load of therapy speak and there were tears. He said that the tension reminds him of his upbringing. Jodie’s bringing him down man and is not one of his ‘kind of people’. Ba boom. Pete wouldn’t piss on Jodie if she was on fire. Faria reminds Preston too much of someone’s Mum. I agree, she has a very shrill voice. I bet he didn’t put that on his rider! Maybe once she goes he’ll turn it up to 11 man. Dennis has too much testosterone for Rula and Jodie too many hormones. Traci was very quick, bless I keep forgetting she’s in there.

Rula says that Pete has a sliver of the Frankenstein about him. Really?

Preston called George a socialist dictator. He constantly smokes cigars, which must stink.

3.36am Jodie is in tears again and has stormed off again. It’s too boring to go into to. Birds! Yuck!

tube rage / day 5

There I was with my head stuck in my new book ‘What I Loved’ with 2 young Vicky Pollard characters either side of me. They were very loud and playing music from their phones. Advances in mobile phones are one of the banes of my life. I could tell there would be trouble when they were very reluctant to move their things to let me sit down and when they started passing each other things behind my head and having a loud conversation mainly consisting of the word “Ginger Bread Man”. “Why don’t you go and sit next to her?” I said. “Why should I? Blah blah blah, ginger, blah blah blah ginger. Abuse abuse abuse.”. One stop later and I was boiling inside with the outrage of being persecuted for no reason. They were trying to provoke me into saying something that I did not want to say. Eventually I looked at the girl to my left and said “I’ve had enough”. “Blah blah blah, you don’t know who I am, you don’t know what I can do. Blah blah blah abuse abuse abuse. You think I’m gonna stop cos you’ve had enough. As if. Etc etc”.

Luckily I had only finished ‘Miss Smilla’s Feeling for Snow’ yesterday. I had strongly identified with her. She describes herself as a 37-year-old hag or old maid who fears intimate relationships with men or women but more importantly 2 bullies on the tube would not intimidate her. She’d be prepared with some sort of cunning plan in a relentless fight for justice. As the abuse continued, I slyly folded over my Guardian supplement 4 times making a superb weapon known as a Millwall brick. Just in case they carried out their threats you understand. I legged it to my next connection after telling them that they are " thick as pig shit". I wasn’t running from them, although I was intimidated. In my experience kids in their late teens have no idea how much damage they can cause. If I had wanted to avoid them I would have stayed on the tube. I was running for my train so that I could get back to report on Diary Room Uncut. But if something happens to me on the way home some time soon, get British Rail to check the CCTV footage of the escalator from the Victoria line to the exit and to look for the 2 well dressed black girls, aged approx 18 to 19. The 2 girls who fell over chasing me. Very Big Brother.

Diary Room Uncut……

Turns out that it was quite dull.
Jodie is not an emotional wreck OK. And it’s true that she’s only cried the once that I know of, so I’ll give her another shot. She admitted that she would give Preston one if he didn’t have a girlfriend.
Preston has spotted that she has taken a shine to him and soon kept dropping the fact that he has a girlfriend into conversations.
George hopes that Jodie’s father isn’t watching and asked if that is terribly old fashioned.
Rula’s worried about her.
Faria thinks that there are some show offs. Riveting.

Meanwhile, in real life Pete might get into trouble.

Day 4’s wake up call was “You Spin me Right Round”. Pete added live vocals and had a spin with Michael. Jodie awoke looking like a panda.

Pete and Michael slagged Jodie off AGAIN. She just can’t stop provoking them. She apparently talks non-stop sex and told them all about meeting a porn photographer over breakfast, even though they showed no interest. Pete, unbelievably, bit his lip. So did George, until later. George was actually appalled even though he’s “close to the street”. Maggot warned them that they will end up in her next book if they continue baiting her.

Faria thinks it’s OK to sleep with a man if they are not married. Long-term relationships don’t come into her code of ethics at all.

Dennis told Chantelle that they would have sex before they left the house. He also asked Jodie if she would take a Polaroid if she gave him a blowjob. It appears that he is over his jet lag at last.

Jodie made another BIG mistake. She said that Jordan’s nose looks hooked like a witch’s from the side. Oh oh. This will end in her tears.

Fur debate again. I won’t go on except to say that Pete has admitted that he gets off on it the more Jodie objects and George has taken an obvious dislike to Jodie and has called her primitive. Pete told Jodie that she doesn’t think about what she says before she says it and is not prepared to debate. Jodie stormed out of the room saying that everyone was picking on her. Birrrrdddddd, it was only Pete and George. Jodie says no one wants to talk to her about positive things but really they don’t want to hear about her 5000 porno Polaroids. Rula says that Jodie is putting out negative vibes so must expect them back. Coming from the Karma Queen, if she has lost her sympathy it must be bad in there. Preston and Maggot are trying to diffuse it all.

Jodie does not want to be evicted first, it would be her worst nightmare. George doesn’t think he will be first.

George thinks that Dennis is a sexual predator and I think he’ll chin him soon. Jodie stimulated sex with Dennis on the kitchen counter. She told him that she wants to suck on Pamela Anderson’s nipples and if it smelt and tasted good she would go down on her. She suffocated Maggot with her breasts. She and Chantelle waited in Preston’s bed for him. But she didn’t like it when Dennis got into hers. Hmmm. And yet still she doesn’t want people to believe the press’s depiction of her as the bird who gets her tits out in clubs.

Michael hardly featured at all.