Sunday, October 30, 2005
Monday, October 24, 2005
TURN LEFT OUT OF THE HOUSE
This is the third weekend in a row where I’ve been sat here starving for 2 days. Saturday morning comes, I turn right out the house to go to Somerfields for food, lottery and the papers I walk around the aisles in distain. There’s never any food. If I could just turn left then I could go to the fab bakers and Deli, even the Sainsburys, in Herne Hill.
I’ve had more Laydee training. Lisa came around and enhanced my roots. While I was sitting there thinking how marvellous it was to have both hands free for red wine and fags (and football on in the background), she was marvelling about how close to coffee and cake this was. She did a cracking job and I forgot to tip her.
Obviously, I’ve still got a very long way to go yet. Although I now complete novice duties, making sure that I have clean hair and cleanly shaven legs when I see her (it’s a bit like having a geezer, except she notices), I have obvious trouble with one of the basics….shopping.
She’d bought another pair of winter boots. To my untrained eye, they look like 3 other pairs of her boots but I am soon corrected and given a cat walk demonstration of calf hugging leather. And, they do look good. She had nearly bought a dress too. Again, not understanding, I remind her she that she is still to wear the last dress she bought. I went too far again by asking when she would next need to wear a dress out. We compromise, she will buy one, but will wait for an occasion.
I’ve had more Laydee training. Lisa came around and enhanced my roots. While I was sitting there thinking how marvellous it was to have both hands free for red wine and fags (and football on in the background), she was marvelling about how close to coffee and cake this was. She did a cracking job and I forgot to tip her.
Obviously, I’ve still got a very long way to go yet. Although I now complete novice duties, making sure that I have clean hair and cleanly shaven legs when I see her (it’s a bit like having a geezer, except she notices), I have obvious trouble with one of the basics….shopping.
She’d bought another pair of winter boots. To my untrained eye, they look like 3 other pairs of her boots but I am soon corrected and given a cat walk demonstration of calf hugging leather. And, they do look good. She had nearly bought a dress too. Again, not understanding, I remind her she that she is still to wear the last dress she bought. I went too far again by asking when she would next need to wear a dress out. We compromise, she will buy one, but will wait for an occasion.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
GYM & TONIC ICE NO LEMON
I can only report this in the comfort that Purplemafling and Catster will soon be winging their way to the Sharkster. Spent a lovely evening in their company, with the added bonus of an on form Ella and a man with lovely eyes who lives in the Quadrangle. I am very bad with names.
Purplemafling had myself and Catster very worried with tales of the Sharkster’s new early morning gin habit. It was only several very concerned looks and sentences later that we realised there was a language barrier from hausfrau……she meant gym!
Phew!
Purplemafling had myself and Catster very worried with tales of the Sharkster’s new early morning gin habit. It was only several very concerned looks and sentences later that we realised there was a language barrier from hausfrau……she meant gym!
Phew!
NO INTEREST?
Hurrah. After years and years and years of compound interest I have got my Barclaycard bill down to nil. Actually, I’m 4p in credit. I am absolutely beside myself. It’s a disco rope light occasion.
So, to celebrate, I’ve set up a spread sheet and I’m going to send Barclaycard a bill for my 4p, calculated, at a daily rate, with an interest rate of 18.9% .
And when I bill em I’m going to attach a cheque, made out to me, that they just have to sign to use.
And with that bill, I’ll give them a freehold telephone number that they only need to call once to get a £25,000 loan.
Standard conditions will apply.
So, to celebrate, I’ve set up a spread sheet and I’m going to send Barclaycard a bill for my 4p, calculated, at a daily rate, with an interest rate of 18.9% .
And when I bill em I’m going to attach a cheque, made out to me, that they just have to sign to use.
And with that bill, I’ll give them a freehold telephone number that they only need to call once to get a £25,000 loan.
Standard conditions will apply.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
GOOD DAY AT THE OFFICE
This is my favourite Saturday for ages. The football’s on. I’ve nothing to do today. And most importantly, last weekend I treated myself to new pillows and got out my winter duvet. The heat wave is over. Today was the first Saturday since and I had a lie in and a massive 12 hour sleep. This leads me to believe the reason I have not been able to lie in for ages….I was too cold and uncomfortable.
I needed the kip as Thursday was a very late night. We had a brilliant gig on for work, followed by a smashing after show party. There surely cannot be anyone who knows and hates after shows as much as me, seeing as I’ve had to wait in pain for so many to end year after year. But this one was different, I was in charge and I had a budget.
Ingredients :
1 good sound system.
1 large bar tab
1 set of hollow legs that work on the night
I great guest list, courtesy of everyone bar me
Music was supplied by musical genius DJ Boyo. With a brief of glam rock, not too cheesy and Studio 54, we danced our socks off all night to tunes as varied as Olivia Newton John’s ‘Let’s Get Physical’ to a steel drum Calypso version of Gary Numan’s ‘Cars’. I literally had to force him to stop when there were only 25 of us left and I wanted to go home to bed. He was so brilliant that the artist was seen requesting some tunes and dancing herself until 1.15am.
At great expense, I decorated the room in a tribute to the album’s artwork and dressed the walls in black drapes with fairy lights threaded throughout. Fire proof naturally. It looked so pretty I wanted to move in.
Know when to call it a day
Me and DJ Boyo literally drowned in compliments on the night and the next.
Blog brag terminates here.
I needed the kip as Thursday was a very late night. We had a brilliant gig on for work, followed by a smashing after show party. There surely cannot be anyone who knows and hates after shows as much as me, seeing as I’ve had to wait in pain for so many to end year after year. But this one was different, I was in charge and I had a budget.
Ingredients :
1 good sound system.
1 large bar tab
1 set of hollow legs that work on the night
I great guest list, courtesy of everyone bar me
Music was supplied by musical genius DJ Boyo. With a brief of glam rock, not too cheesy and Studio 54, we danced our socks off all night to tunes as varied as Olivia Newton John’s ‘Let’s Get Physical’ to a steel drum Calypso version of Gary Numan’s ‘Cars’. I literally had to force him to stop when there were only 25 of us left and I wanted to go home to bed. He was so brilliant that the artist was seen requesting some tunes and dancing herself until 1.15am.
At great expense, I decorated the room in a tribute to the album’s artwork and dressed the walls in black drapes with fairy lights threaded throughout. Fire proof naturally. It looked so pretty I wanted to move in.
Know when to call it a day
Me and DJ Boyo literally drowned in compliments on the night and the next.
Blog brag terminates here.
Monday, September 26, 2005
LADY LUCK
Today I did something that I just never do. I left my mobile at home. Pure joy it was and I would recommend it whole heartedly.
Why then was it that from the moment I reached Victoria to the moment I got to the front door I was worried that no one had phoned or texted me?
Fortunately, lady luck was on my side. 1 message from small nephew Alex thanking me for his birthday present (well, as he was trying to hang up he said “she didn’t even get me a present”. “Yes” said his father, my brother, firmly “but she sent you money”.
PESKY KIDS!!!
Why then was it that from the moment I reached Victoria to the moment I got to the front door I was worried that no one had phoned or texted me?
Fortunately, lady luck was on my side. 1 message from small nephew Alex thanking me for his birthday present (well, as he was trying to hang up he said “she didn’t even get me a present”. “Yes” said his father, my brother, firmly “but she sent you money”.
PESKY KIDS!!!
Saturday, September 24, 2005
SHE'S GONE
And I never even got the chance to sit about in underwear with her all day!
So, with every new account of the Shark’s desertion to New York, the further in it sinks that she’s gone. It’s weird going past her place and not seeing every single POSSIBLE light on. However, I am taking comfort in the fact that although I've activated the deadly fin on the odd occasion, at least there is no possible way that I can remind her of her mother.
Small comfort also in that I can now jog around the park without feeling that I am dying and only require one pit stop. Firm buttocks of a 21 year old here I come. I got that slightly wrong on Thursday night when I grabbed the firm buttocks of a young man instead.
I had already been warned that he was a charmer but nothing had prepared me for his puppy dog eyes. I’ve taken to walking a young puppy at work along the canal during what I now know to be a break. She goes absolutely mental when she sees me and I kind of feel the same way. I really shake off the filth of the average working day while she scampers around, rolling in shit, and we wander by the water in the sun and the rain Last week she jumped into a smelly rancid pond after a duckling but I swear you’d forgive her anything when she looks up at you. I’ve become very maternal and report back to her owner every day on the quality and texture of her stools. Well, sometimes I don’t have time to walk her and she breaks my heart following me with her little puppy dog eyes.
He was like that. Looking at me like I was the most fantastic woman of earth. And me sitting there with dirty hair, hairy legs and a neglected bikini line.
PS Mars is by the rising moon at the moment.
So, with every new account of the Shark’s desertion to New York, the further in it sinks that she’s gone. It’s weird going past her place and not seeing every single POSSIBLE light on. However, I am taking comfort in the fact that although I've activated the deadly fin on the odd occasion, at least there is no possible way that I can remind her of her mother.
Small comfort also in that I can now jog around the park without feeling that I am dying and only require one pit stop. Firm buttocks of a 21 year old here I come. I got that slightly wrong on Thursday night when I grabbed the firm buttocks of a young man instead.
I had already been warned that he was a charmer but nothing had prepared me for his puppy dog eyes. I’ve taken to walking a young puppy at work along the canal during what I now know to be a break. She goes absolutely mental when she sees me and I kind of feel the same way. I really shake off the filth of the average working day while she scampers around, rolling in shit, and we wander by the water in the sun and the rain Last week she jumped into a smelly rancid pond after a duckling but I swear you’d forgive her anything when she looks up at you. I’ve become very maternal and report back to her owner every day on the quality and texture of her stools. Well, sometimes I don’t have time to walk her and she breaks my heart following me with her little puppy dog eyes.
He was like that. Looking at me like I was the most fantastic woman of earth. And me sitting there with dirty hair, hairy legs and a neglected bikini line.
PS Mars is by the rising moon at the moment.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
I'M A LAYDEE
I am loving my new life on the net. I’ve set up camp at a desk in my funny room with full view of all my neighbours. Nothing doing at the moment. I’ve attempted to download MSN Messenger and am adding my favourite tracks to i-tunes as I type. I even tried to download a Podcast but got a bit bored in the middle of that.
Saturday was a write off. It’s was my good friend Lisa’s birthday on Friday. Lisa is grooming me in the art of being a ladee , shaving legs, wearing skirts, showing body, getting hair cut etc etc. She never pushes me too far and completely understands that going for coffee and cake on a Saturday afternoon is just alien to me.
As part of my training I cannot reveal her age as this is unacceptable. I also have to stop saying “I’m old”. Lisa spolit me rotten on my birthday and I feel under pressure to show her a good time. So, I take her to bingo. Te he. But she loves it and we have a ball and come within 2 numbers of winning. We go back to hers for ladee training and talk and play cards all night. I have a few ladette skills of my own to share. She lives high up on a hill with the most fantastic panoramic view through her living room bay windows. Very jealous that we could watch the most amazing view of the sunrise. The Government promised heatwave is still here. Well, it was yesterday.
She is determined to beat me at a game of Skipbo and in order for this to happen we have to play for 5 hours straight. Finally she wins at 9am and as a reward I send her out to buy vodka. Alas, she comes back with a dodgy brand and the night is over. Waking from a slumber at 11am we realise with horror that we have been keeping card scores on her signed poster from a birthday trip to the theatre. We eat chips, make futile attempts at conversation and I finally get enough energy to leave 3ish. I return home to rest on the couch. It’s was so different at 4am when we were congratulating ourselves on having spent a weekend in Ibiza last month where we danced all night at Manumission and then Pacha.
Saturday was a write off. It’s was my good friend Lisa’s birthday on Friday. Lisa is grooming me in the art of being a ladee , shaving legs, wearing skirts, showing body, getting hair cut etc etc. She never pushes me too far and completely understands that going for coffee and cake on a Saturday afternoon is just alien to me.
As part of my training I cannot reveal her age as this is unacceptable. I also have to stop saying “I’m old”. Lisa spolit me rotten on my birthday and I feel under pressure to show her a good time. So, I take her to bingo. Te he. But she loves it and we have a ball and come within 2 numbers of winning. We go back to hers for ladee training and talk and play cards all night. I have a few ladette skills of my own to share. She lives high up on a hill with the most fantastic panoramic view through her living room bay windows. Very jealous that we could watch the most amazing view of the sunrise. The Government promised heatwave is still here. Well, it was yesterday.
She is determined to beat me at a game of Skipbo and in order for this to happen we have to play for 5 hours straight. Finally she wins at 9am and as a reward I send her out to buy vodka. Alas, she comes back with a dodgy brand and the night is over. Waking from a slumber at 11am we realise with horror that we have been keeping card scores on her signed poster from a birthday trip to the theatre. We eat chips, make futile attempts at conversation and I finally get enough energy to leave 3ish. I return home to rest on the couch. It’s was so different at 4am when we were congratulating ourselves on having spent a weekend in Ibiza last month where we danced all night at Manumission and then Pacha.
Friday, September 16, 2005
LATER THAT NIGHT
I’ve been beside myself for the last few days. There’s what Jonathan Cainer calls an “emotional” Full Moon for Leos coming on Sunday. It feels like there’s an electrical storm going on in my head and I have to avoid the pub right now! Plus I‘ve known that my I could bring my new computer home with me tonight for just less than a week now. There’s been loads of upgrades at work, and there was an opportunity to buy some of the old Macs for £65!!! I was straight up for it. My constant beaming at Karl, the IT bloke, for the last week has given him some concern. He just does not understand why I’m so excited. I told him everything. How I couldn’t afford £800 to buy a new one. How I’ve always wanted one. How I’ll be able to start my blog, check out the Shark’s blog (no time for fun like that at work), check my Fantasy Football League and get into porno if I wanted (that bit’s a lie). Home banking, checking out planet maps. It’s endless. I’m so excited that I’m going to redesign a whole room around my new purple Mac. Plus, I want to get a digital camera. “I don’t like computers” he said. And I understood. He means it the same way that I hate gigs.
Anyway, because of my constant enthusiasm (read harassment) I was sorted out first. And here I am, cross legged on the floor, with my new Mac sat on a coffee table on the wrong side of the room, with wires strewn across 3 rooms at knee level in a highly unsafe manner (I haven’t forgotten about Health & Safety though – a have a duster hanging on the cables to improve visibility). It’s very uncomfortable. I must get a telephone extension.
I can see I’m going to like this.
Oh my God. 49UP is on the telly. I’ve seen all of them so better go. TV Gold.
Anyway, because of my constant enthusiasm (read harassment) I was sorted out first. And here I am, cross legged on the floor, with my new Mac sat on a coffee table on the wrong side of the room, with wires strewn across 3 rooms at knee level in a highly unsafe manner (I haven’t forgotten about Health & Safety though – a have a duster hanging on the cables to improve visibility). It’s very uncomfortable. I must get a telephone extension.
I can see I’m going to like this.
Oh my God. 49UP is on the telly. I’ve seen all of them so better go. TV Gold.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
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