a controlled experiment

My first New Year’s Eve Alone (by choice blog people)

6.15 TH for supplies, vodka, mixers and fags.
Observations : A man on the next block is decorating his bedroom . A new Indian restaurant opened tonight and they have balloons outside. I saw a man clutching a can of Tenants Pils while sexily (?) gyrating a road crash barrier. Man opposite is in.
Self gratifying Happy New Year texts sent : 1
Self gratifying Happy New Year texts received : 1

6.30 Vodka 1

6.50 No one of interest is registered on Friends Reunited from my Primary School, Secondary School or University.

6.57 Very scary DON'T DO DRUGS adverts on the radio.

7.00 Vodka 2. While in the kitchen I luckily convinced myself that now is not the time to install my roller blind as a power tool is required.

7.20 Self gratifying Happy New Year emails sent : 1
Self gratifying Happy New Year emails received : 0
Transferred to CD

7.35 Grauniad crossword, hmm, which use to be free on line. Stuck, 12 down New World Ostrich, 4 letters R_ _ A.

7.50 Vodka 3 and I am already regretting the tally, something I have never done before. Have lit the coal fire. I don’t have enough coal to last the night and I am not expecting any New Year revellers. Jimbob isn’t that normally your duty?

8.20 !!! (chk chk chk) have livened up proceedings and I just had a little dance.

8.35 Vodka 4 only. Shuffling the cards.
Heart Felt Happy New Year texts sent : 1

8.40 Heart Felt Happy New Year texts (hopefully) received : 1 plus an invite to dinner - result
Heart Felt Happy New Year emails sent : 1
Heart Felt Happy New Year emails received : 0

8.56 Heart Felt Happy New Year texts (hopefully) received : 2
All the way from New Zealand - I'd forgotten that I'd texted the WB

9.35 Hurrah a clear sky and Sirius, the brightest star in the sky, is clearly visible!!!!!

9.40 Heart Felt Happy New Year emails (hopefully) received : 1

9.50 Justin playing now. Phoar

10.05 Post my 2005 review, working title "I Love Life and Life Loves Me'

I enter 2006 very happily, for I am finally close to fulfilling an ambition that I have aspired to for a few years now. When I was young my parents never ever let me get away with wailing “I’m bored”. Over the years of course I was left unsupervised and found myself wailing this loudly many many times. The biggest influence of my adult life, He Who Cannot be Named, had a very low tolerance of the said phrase too and simply could not understand how I could be bored. Wanting to cure myself of this terrible ailment, I gathered some role models: father, brother and He Who Cannot Be Named ( all my absolute heroes) and after studying them all I realised how similar we all are in character. Once I saw this I came to understand that ‘dabbling’, as my father puts it, is my destiny and then the hobbies and interests simply found me. And now I am proudly dumb founded and cannot understand when people tell me that they are bored. I've found inspiration from the people around me and from the brilliant characters in the books that I am now devouring. In particular the absolutely mad as a brush women and the brave rites of passage kid characters, all of who seem to have otherworldly powers and connections with spirits and super human strength of character. Yum. Like them I can now keep myself happily occupied for days on end, although that’s the extent of my heroic characteristics.

NEW ENTRY STUFF

My first home grown tomato

I made a wonderful new friend in Sadie. I love walking her by the canal at work. Who could resist?

While out jogging I learnt how beautiful life and the park are at 7.30am. Mornings are now my favourite time of the day.

Arts & Crafts are responsible for my favourite moment of the year, the night I saved a planet, or is it a star? In the fervent 6 weekends of preparation for the kid’s room at the shark & TH’s wedding (which I thoroughly enjoyed), I prematurely burst the balloon acting as the basis for the papier-mâché moon. Luckily I had a spare balloon and together Perry and I donned our super hero personas and simply rebuilt the satellite from its inner core. We swore that we would never forget. I wonder if he has.


FANTASY FOOTBALL
We’ve slumped to a shameful 8th position. Having once been in 4th place, in real life we would be sacked by now. I can’t even bare to tell you how many points behind we are. Not a highlight. QPR, however, are stable at 13th in the Championship and we’ve just won 2 games in a row. It’s not Holloway’s fault that he’s got no money and we don’t want to be too ambitious only 2 seasons into our promotion. I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t been to a match this season.

BLOGGING
I’ve always wanted to write a diary but somehow I never got around to it. While I remain intimidated by the shark’s fantastic prose I am also motivated by her distance and by my desire to keep the ex-pats up-to-date with the day-to-day activities of life in their spiritual home HH.

CONTINUED FROM 2004
DIY
Sadly I did not do enough. Although I did manage to give the hallway a second coat of paint, a staggering18 months after the first coat. I think that removing the grout, regrouting and then painting the tiles in the bathroom, an unpleasant 3 day job, was an over kill for me.

NIGHT SKY
Although I kept a track of the major planetary movements I learnt nothing new. There were no trips to the coast and very few night time excursions to the park. My Binoculars have a layer of dust on them. Rubbish. I will try harder.

BEST PURCHASES
My own computer
Binoculars
Digital Camera
Beginners Painting Course
Bike

OUTSIDE INFLUENCES

FAVOURITE ALBUM : Joint favourites : Arcade Fire ‘Funeral’ & Kate Bush ‘Aerial’

FAVOURITE SINGLE : Joint favourites Madonna ‘Hung Up on You’ & Magic Numbers 'Forever Lost'

FAVOURITE VIDEO : Sigur Ros ‘Glosoli’. Go to the Media Player here to see it, it’s lovely.

GIG OF THE YEAR : M83 supporting The Secret Machines at the Electric Ballroom

EVENT OF THE YEAR : Goes without saying...the shark & TH's wedding.

FOOTBALL MATCH OF THE YEAR : Liverpool’s win over AC Milan. Bet Peely loved it.

2006 RAH RAH RAH
In no particular order here’s what I want to do:
Learn to fly my kite (I mean it this time)
Paint a good sunset by the sea
Make rainbows
Help Daddy in the allotment – pretty soon I too will smile at the rain and say “great for the spuds”
Find more barmy women and loners that I can relate to in books
More camping
The remainder of my aspirations rest of my getting a garden:
Learning more about the night sky
Attracting wild life
Get some bird tables and a bird birth
Being in my garden from 8am every Saturday and Sunday morning

So, I have discovered more and more things that I enjoy doing every day. Pretty soon I will have to give up work as there will not be enough hours in the day.

10.20 Inspired by myself (hurrah) I watched the video to Sigur Ros ‘Glosoli’. Do it kids.

10.25 Inspired by DJ Boyo I play 'Supernature' by Cerrone, a song that I did not know I owned until he DJed round here

10.35 Vodka 5 only

11.15 I am feeling so cosmopolitan as good cheer travels to me all the way from New York, Barbados and New Zealand. London and Berlin come on. Happy New Year at 4pm does not count.
Self gratifying Happy New Year texts received : 2
Self gratifying Happy New Year texts sent/returned : 2

11.50 I get in there first and call my Mummy. I love Mummy & Daddy

MIDNIGHT - HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS

12.01 Hurrah - just won a Blog of the Year award!!!!!!

12.15 Cancelled all that counting stuff due to being overly sentimental myself

12.30 Mental barmy tracks going on on xfm

01.00 I'M STILL HERE......

01.30 Vodka 6 only, this is so embarassing

01.45 James Hyman on xfm is rocking
I wonder just how much longer I will last.
There’s only 1 bit of coal left. Jimbob has changed, in the old days he would have been straight round.
Do I go out and buy more coal? Hmmmm.

02.15 It's raining outside and getting chilly in here. I'd best prepare for a trip to the garage for coal. Still no sign of jimbob!

02.20 Crazy Horses on the radio. Wicked tune

2.55 I’m back with coal and batteries for my new digital camera which I may amuse myself with for a while. It wasn’t pretty out there. A 24 hour garage on New Year’s Eve @3am. You can just imagine the calibre of customer and attendant. He's always really really rude. I wished him a Happy New Year but I don’t think it carried any weight. A small bit of comedy value on the way back when a middle aged gentleman walked into 3 wheely bins in a row. In an effort to get out of their path he crossed the pavement, directly into the path of a lamppost.
I only saw 1 party going on.
Oh oh the DJs changed. No one wants Indy flipping guitar and wingeing now.
Really.
Keane, he played Keane - he had to go.

4am I'm watching "Koyaanisqatsi'. Wow.

cos you’re all at it, peer pressure

Today is a New Moon day. Just lately this has been corresponding with my own cycle leaving me more than a little barmy since Boxing Day. This madness continues until my cycle gradually moves away from the New Moon towards the Full Moon. Then my barminess coincides with the Full Moon. Get it? This leaves me easily distracted today and I cannot retain a thought in my head for long. I just went out without my gloves for god’s sake. I only managed about 60 pages of my new book today. Kafka, at 15, is a little too young to fall in love with, so I remain in love with Esteban Trueba despite his appalling crimes to humanity. So, while easily distracted :::

A. FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1. Event and Festival Co-Ordinator
2. Assistant Manager of a music venue
3. For a bank
4. Saturday Assistant in habitat

B. FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
1. Lord of the Rings Series
2. The Ballroom of Romance
3. Shrek
4. Calamity Jane

C. FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN:
1. London
2. Sheffield
3. tbc
4. tbc

D. FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. Coronation Street
2. Curb Your Enthusiasm
3. Soccer Saturday Sky Sports News
4. Any Bill Oddie bird or nature programme

E. FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. New York
2. LA
3. Lake Garda
4. Whitstable

F. FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY:
1. News
2. I'm not ashamed
3. Football
4. Moon

G. FOUR OF YOUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE RESTAURANTS:
1. Oyster Hut, Whitstable Harbour
2. Olleys
3. 3 Monkeys
4. Bakers at Glastonbury Festival

H. FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
1. Mummy’s roast chicken
2. Thai lemon grass spare ribs
3. My home cooked pasta
4. My Balsamic tomato salad

I. FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. V Festival, 2001
2. New Year’s Eve 2001
3. Whitstable, Summer 2002
4. Mogwai, Glastonbury Festival 2003

J. FOUR THINGS YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING
NEW ENTRY Always learning
2. Mars / Jupiter / Sirius, whatever's in the sky
3. Wicked
4. I’m horrible, I know

a ha ha

My 2 favourite boys are in Berlin for the New Year, the land of debauchery itself. I’m very glad I stayed put right now and I've had to stifle a few titters as they both got to bed at 11am and are still waiting for some sleep. And it’s not even Midnight yet.

:(

No snow!

aha

I spent some more time with Daddy today fine-tuning the TV installation plans. This time we drew diagrams and spent about 15 minutes planning, before he had an aha moment, and he suddenly declared that as my DVD does not record, the installation that I did myself in 15 minutes is all I actually need. To my shame I then realised that the reason I had no sound from the VHS and DVD when he asked me to check (I had called him proudly on installation as I had done it all by myself) was because the TV was on mute as I was on the phone to him at the time. Shameful.

i love pottering

Shark, look your pots.

early learning centre

STUDY OF BRITISH WEATHER : RAINBOW

daddy’s little girl

I’m back in position after a flurry of Ferrero Rosser and Baileys and judging by the lack of blog activity it looks like everyone is having, like me, a very chilled one. I spent yesterday playing worms in front of my coal fire. A game of strategy and planning, it’s one of my favourite ways to occasionally spend a wasted afternoon, though I rarely have the time these days. And I am totally stuck into the latest edition of book club ‘The House of the Spirits’. I have fallen 100% for the most dastardly of characters. I haven’t felt this way for such a fiend since Heathcliffe. He’s melted this ice maiden.

It snowed earlier and the snow settled……for about 3 minutes. It created quite a stir in the back garden. Once it stopped the garden was awash with squirrels, black birds and all variety of tits foraging for food in the grass. Somehow the birdies have all completely missed the bird seed that I hung up quite some time ago. Bird watching is a game of patience and so I persevere. It’s quite a different story in my Mummy’s back garden with all sorts feeding at her bird table and bath. I spent some quality fag time out there over Christmas and even saw some goldfinch! The sound of bird song filled the garden and it was so peaceful that I am now totally committed to getting a garden after decorating here. I’ve also convinced my Daddy that I am totally serious about helping him in the allotment this year. From February most of my weekends will revolve around painting class and sowing and planting tomatoes, carrots, potatoes, onions, cabbages and whatever else we fancy. I’m more than a little embarrassed that I’ve missed out on at least 6 or 7 years of this. Still, the skills will now remain in the family. I cannot wait to start and it all helps towards my romantic notion of a hippy future.

The snow was fun but really I’ve been praying for sun so that I can try out my most fantastic Christmas pressie from the shark, a solar powered Rainbow Maker. I love whoever invented this and of course the shark for associating me with rainbows. We saw one from her kitchen in HH once and it made us giddy as kids. Te he. I cannot wait to read her Christmas blog to see what she got from TH and whether or not Mrs N will feature.

I am now also the proud owner of a 21 inch flat screen telly which I insisted on installing myself despite the fear of god that Daddy put into me. He spent the whole of Christmas Day giving me installation tips, and building a more and more elaborate system in his head until eventually we arrived at a system whereby I need 2 splitters, 2 aerial leads and 2 more Scart leads. I have pictures now from all outlets but no sound from the DVD and VHS. Still, from trying I understand the basic principles and I will give it another shot tomorrow. I’ve no plans to leave the house again today and have all the essentials in, ie Twiglets, Diet Coke and fags. Besides, I need at least 4 hours spare to install my new universal remote from big bro. It doesn’t recognise my TV so I will have to tune it in manually. The booklet advises patience, as there are 150 possible combinations. Bah hah, pooh, humbug. Why do all my new hobbies and gadgets require patience, which no one thought to get me for Christmas. Still, a lack of TV is no loss today as I can barely stand to watch at the moment. All the commercial terrestrial channels are showing the most appalling give up smoking ads. Pah!

Back to my pottering.

hh on christmas eve

My most peaceful Christmas Eve ever.

Happy Christmas all.

xxx

PS This is an Early Learning Centre photo. They can only improve.

cos i'm counting the days

The 2006 Springwatch survey launches on 24 December as recording begins of two of the six monitored species: peacock butterflies and seven-spot ladybirds. Go on.

And then birdies.

thursday already?

The week began with an unscheduled chilli feast at the Catster’s where I bored her rigid with talk of agents (yum, my favourite people) and the live music industry. It was all in aid of her SJ application, another secret in her complicated web of intrigue. Ssshh.

Tuesday took a on totally unpredictable shape. Like Jimbob we are winding down at work and the WB felt like bunking off and suggested a card session down the pub. I logged off my computer immediately as this has never happened before, well not at 3pm in the afternoon and I grabbed DJ Boyo. Cards are better with 3 OK. We played all sorts and I realized how much I miss Perry, my old card partner. Fortunately for me my hollow legs were functioning at top level and I fully recall the evening as something resembling:

Illegal gambling in the pub where I introduced the term ‘poker face’ to DJ Boyo and explained that grimacing when you see what card you’ve just picked up is bad. I recall saying “don’t show me your cards” a lot until the very last game when I openly cheated.

WB left around 8.15 I think

Me: “It’s only 8.30…Let’s go back to mine to play more cards. Blah blah”

8.31: DJ Boyo settles a hefty £80 bar bill and I popped to the offy to stock up on vodka and mixers

9.00ish The Disco rope lights are activated. The DJ in DJ Boyo is activated. The disco glitter ball and spotlight are activated. We danced in the Living Room Discothèque until I finally had to admit defeat and retire. For the benefit of the sharkster I should say that there was no funny business. We had a bloody marvelous night though but I don’t think it was a wooing situation. He did invite me to Berlin for NYE’s today though but I think it’s because another bad influence colleague backed out of the trip. Tempting but I can’t see it happening at all.

Although the night before had left me in such a good mood that I bought a Santa hat on the way to work and wore it for most of the day (with my huge grin) I was also very tired for my only actually scheduled event of the week. The Old Boss, his missus and the Foetus (as he calls the bump) were passing through town and hosting drinks in Hampstead. It seems that scans are very advanced these days and I was shown 3 close up portraits of the living thing that looks like an Alien. Its OK, they said it too. No eyes yet you see, just skull.

The only thing I did wrong, apart from yawn too much, was slightly miss time my stitches story. My scab fell off just as The Old Boss was tucking into Welsh Rarebit and The Missus into sausages. I told him all about my new hobbies and he is very proud, which of course means the world to me. It was a lovely evening and I was pleased to see them so happily married after 3 or 4 years. Ah. I was also pleased when his jet lag digged in at 10ish and I was able to flee to my bed for a much-needed 8-hour kip.

Tonight on the couch with my tea has been bliss although the deactivated Living Room Discothèque is still in a shocking mess. The coal fire and the whole room need to be cleaned, the ashtrays are full and my entire CD collection is on the floor. Everything’s in the wrong place! I have no clean clothes left to wear and my hair was due to be washed on Tuesday. I’m definitely staying in everyday for a month now!

better pic as promised

care of the lovely catster.

is it christmas yet?

Funny old place the sbc. I wouldn’t know anyone here without it. I saw the Vixen and catster, Lady Janey and the Unbearded One this week and next week I have my own reunion with the Old Boss in town. Ah.

Miss you too sharkster.

Back to me. I’m very excited. The Christmas shopping was done in 1 ½ hours today and the trip ended in a surprise and spontaneous trip to see Harry Potter. My first present. I got a text mid-shop and before I realised that I was wearing what I jogged in this morning, I was supping a skinny latte in Leicester Square.

I’ve just wrapped everything and the flat looks very pretty and very purple.

PS The tall man opposite has put Christmas tree lights up in his window. Over and out.

ouch

I’ve just returned from an early evening with lisalemontree. On her arrival I told her that I have stopped using the Laydee shoulder bag that I bought in Madrid as it has given me a bad (bad!) back. Straight away she could tell me exactly where the pain is, how much it hurts and she actually gave me 2 exercises to get rid of it. “Oh yeah, I have that all the time.” !!! Whereas I have changed back to my old nike ruck sack, she is prepared to go with this intolerable pain every day. Laydees, you are a mystery to me.

oh yes

I have just bought camera. It arrives on Monday.
Maybe then I will be able to post pictures the right way up.

one more ex-pat

We now have another ex-pat, albeit a temporary one. The vixen is leaving the country on Tuesday and she had leaving drinks on Wednesday. Her first stop is Thailand where she will undergo 7 days of detox. During this time she will be fasting and having daily colonic irrigation. She’ll certainly need a break after all that, although once the initial shock had worn off I came round to thinking it’s a good thing. I couldn’t persuade her to start a blog believing, quite rightly, that it’s her trip, but she has agreed to send detailed email accounts. On the off chance I let the unbearded one know where I was and was thrilled when he appeared. He backed off a little when I told him the vixen was around as it appears he had once made her cry. It’s quite a benchmark with him. He only stayed for a bit as he was working but asked me to pop over.

The catster was running late so I popped over while I waited. I wasn’t expected Lady Janey to be there as the band was ‘2 Poofs and a Piano’, a backing band for a TV personality’s talk show, but she was there. I couldn’t believe that they could sell out 2 nights in a row. I was really happy to see her and we had a marvellous gab, several rants and I’ve vowed to meet up more, with their permission. I had to ask if Wossy was there twice before the confusion over the talent was cleared up. It seems the bearded one had been using cultural short hand and the band are actually from NYC.

I took advantage of the evening by bringing colour print outs of my stitches, (and the new picture as below) there was after all a whole set of new people to bore. There are some quite similar decorative stones outside the concrete jungle but they have obviously had several Health & Safety Assessments there and the tops are painted a very visible white colour. Maybe I should write to complain. Any lawyers among us?

can you tell what it is yet?

I have just got back from a lovely evening spent at the Archduke. Vickster, a lovely woman who I’m sure that I will get to know a whole lot better when the time is right, is leaving London on Saturday to go to Thailand, New Zealand and Brazil. Wow! More on the evening soon. In the meantime, can you make out this picture, a memento of the sharkster & TH’s wedding day? IF YOU SQUINT? There's a better one on the way, I have yet to buy my new camera.

you can breath out now

So, it’s the night after the nearly most dreaded day of the year, the most dreaded being New Year’s Eve……. On awaking this morning, after maybe 4 hours kip (only broken by 4 toilet trips) I knew before I opened my eyes this morning that I was alone (sharkster! I am a spinster of the parish), that I had nothing to worry about and that I’d had a good time. My favourite memory is of being 1 of 2 glamorous assistants helping the Chairman distribute 3 boxes of cigars (a tradition) to the whole room. My, how I’ve settled in. My other favourite memory is of a colleague telling me that I’m his favourite of all the people who have joined the company in the last 5 years and asking if he could hire me as a motivator at an hourly rate. I know he was tiddly but I also think he meant some of it. The whole night was a success, the food was good, the venue was lovely, the staff were friendly and the DJs knew what to do. Of course I kicked off the dancing but by 11 the dance floor was rammed! I threw off the new shoes and spent 3 hours giving it some with wild abandon.

My whole body aches today though. My stitches are throbbing, my heels are raw, the soles of my feet are blistered and I can’t move my head very fast at all. This is from dancing you understand. I wasn’t alone though and eventually most people turned up for work today battered too. Even though no one can have had that much sleep, everyone was in very high spirits. Booby started it by putting photographic account of the evening onto the share drive. I was able to peruse them happily with no fear at all seeing as my biggest foe par of the evening was apologising to DJ Boyo for not having bigger breasts. That probably scared the life out of him, but I’m used to that now, and rarely worry about scaring men.

Thanks to jimbob for his advice and for having the lance at the ready, so to speak, but I am happy to clear up any notion that I am having anything other than a marvellous time. I love my job, I’m reading more than ever, Booby, the sharklette & catster have inspired me to get a camera, which I will do as soon as possible, I’m starting art school in January, my bulbs are sprouting and the noisy neighbours have been tamed. Hear my roar. Things are nice. Oh and I’m getting a 21 inch colour telly from Daddy for Christmas ☺. He wanted to get me a 28 inch screen! This arrives on Christmas Day morning when my big bro will collect me and fetch me to the folks. I’m really looking forward to the long break and I can’t wait to hide away and furrow. I’m planning to spend all my time doing DIY and improving the distance that I can jog. Home feels like home again and I’m going to celebrate by spending some quality time here and making some home improvements.

Wow, I am so enjoying this growing up lark. It rocks and I cannot wait to be 40.

phew

Home safe and all in order, apart from very sore feet.

later

Shoes don't go with the trousers.

i've got an outfit but that's the least of my worries

I have been missing the sharkster rather a lot of late . Of all the people I know in the whole world, apart from my family, it’s her that has tolerated and tried to understand me for the longest. This is an impossibly trying task I know and I wish she were here now as it’s the night before the dreaded staff Christmas party.

I fear ANY social gathering. When surrounded by unfamiliar people, with whom I must make small talk, I am rubbish, I talk rubbish and I do rubbish things. This is one of my biggest battles and regrets in life. Give me a role and I’m fine, which is why I tend to run around trying to help or construct things, anything to give me a focus. I can drink anyone under the table and I regularly enjoy nights with mates where I do not say the wrong thing, or spend the next day analysing and cringing at anything I said or have to make up news rules for spotting the end of the night. But dos of this kind fill me with fear and I am terrified already.

Tomorrow is my third staff party in my current job. The first time I wisely left at 11pm. The second time I danced all night, thus avoiding any need for small talk. But this is my third year, so I know everyone and so I can’t avoid everyone all night like I want to. The News of the Screws has terrified me these last few weekends with sensationalist double page spreads of what people get up to at these things. Here’s today’s troubling strap lines and statistics: “Piccadilly Circus crowds saw me at it”; “I enjoyed sin on a bin with barman” 58% of partygoers said they fancied getting off with a workmate; 62% of blokes fantasise about going all the way at the office party.

Sharkster I’m scared. Please keep those fingers crossed for me and hope that my hollow legs work when they are needed the most.

My other biggest fear is any date in my diary but that’s a whole different blog. Phew eh.

laydee learning at a stand still

Wow, another full and fun packed day. I spent the whole day yesterday at Mummy and Daddy’s with only some of the family: 2 brothers, 3 nephews and 1 great nephew. A shocking amount of noise emanates from this many small people, especially when rival football teams are playing. 2 of the nephews support Ipswich and many other Shepherds Bush born clan and myself support QPR. When I arrived we were 2-1 up. I sang “come on you Rs, come on your Rs” and I even had an opportunity to sing my favourite QPR song which goes like this……Chim chiminee, chim chiminee, chim chim cheroo. Who needs Sol Campbell when you’ve got Shitto. The full time result flashed up onto the screen and we had done it, we had beaten Ipswich 2-1 away. Cheers erupted and 1 beaten, shaking with rage, nephew leapt at me, red faced and screamed right in my face “SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” “Goodness” I said, “he’s just like a red head”. “Yes” my brother replied in his dead pan way, “you can always tell when he’s upset”. And then quite unexcitedly, a correction flashed up on the screen. We’d only gone and done a QPR special, Ipswich had in fact equalised in the 90th minute. Harmony was restored after 1 quick round of “it’s all gone quiet over there.”

The same little-ens gave us all our biggest laugh of the day when Dickov of Blackburn was mentioned. Did we know that his first name is Paul? His second name is My. That’s odd said my Mummy and repeated it out loud to hoots all round “Paul My Dickov”. A ha ha. The same little-ens also informed me that my saying Mummy and Daddy is childish. Luckily nephew 3 leapt to my aid and said that I am the baby of the family. At 37 I am the youngest. Scary.

I also learned that I now have a 2 day old great niece. At last, another female in our testosterone fuelled family (my Mummy only managed girls on her 5th & 6th attempts). After a whole day surrounded by farting, football and wrestling, I wonder if she’ll grow up as tom boyish and tough as me. I do hope that she has more luck with Laydee skills than I do. I still don’t understand beyond the basics and I now understand that I never ever will. I just don’t get the point of so many bags, jackets, coats, skirts, dresses, hair accessories, earrings etc etc. And shoes and boots, which seems to be a major obsession with the Laydees at work, is the biggest mystery of all. What’s the point of having loads of shoes and boots, unless some are for walking or are slightly varied in colour or style? And please, cowboy boots for women who don’t even cycle or walk more than 20 yards let alone go near a horse. I tried to shop for a tee-shirt yesterday but had to give up almost immediately as my eyes glazed over the racks and rows of rubbish. All I wanted was a tight black, v necked cotton tee-shirt. All I saw were bolero shaped tee shirts with arms and no body. Point?? And various sequined shapes with odd arms. Point?? And tee-shirts that you have to tie up around your waist or ankles. Point? Rubbish. I just want to slip it on and wear it every day for years.

I did however find a pair of simple black flat pumps to wear with my new Madrid trousers. My nephews understand my point of view and asked me where my toes go, for they have pointed toes. I couldn’t answer them having worn nothing but trainers for 3 years but I have now figured out what happens to them having spent today trying to wear them in. They get squashed up against each other in hellish torment. I now recall from days gone by that I shall have plasters handy for the next few weeks. Shoes are so over rated.

onwards and upwards

I’m doing really rather well with the going out more thing. I have just returned from an evening of culture at the Tate Britain. I’m ashamed to say that it was my first visit. Absolutely shocking I know, however, I will be going to lots of galleries from now on as I don’t want to turn up at school without having done some research.

I’ve been a little lazy on the creative front these last few months, my last artistic endeavour having been the children’s décor at sharkster & TH’s wedding in April. However, I am now going to whole-heartedly embrace my Daddy’s favourite saying of “always learning”. I am so inspired that I am going to attempt an oil painting on Sunday.

Plus I don’t want to waste the 50p I spent at the Tate on a ‘future artist’ badge.

i had planned to be home by 10

I’ve decided that I must get out more and I began by seeing the wonderful Richard Hawley at Catster’s SOJ last night. What a lovely venue and Richard was brilliant. It was a bit of an odd night though. Originally we were going to meet up in a pub that my first boyfriend drank in and it made me titter enough to mention it to the wonderful boss. Then in a fit of nostalgia I bored him and another colleague with a sight seeing trip of my youth as we passed through Hammersmith in a taxi. We normally get an Account cab but due to long delays we ended up hailing one. So used to just jumping out at the other end, that’s exactly what we did. It was funny when he had to toot his horn to get us back to pay. It made us all laugh like 3 giddy kids.

Then I had another blast from the past when on entering the Foyer my eyes fell on a man I had snogged a few times, oh 8 or 9 years ago. By now I was revealing in my story telling, so I told the WB something about the man, even though I wasn’t sure if I had made it up or not. I told him that he was the original inspiration for Ebeneezer Goode in The Shamen’s song. It’s quite a claim to fame and the WB, being quite the Lord of Darkness, thought it was hilarious. So spirits were high even before we had a drink and we proceeded on a belly full of one sandwich.

During Richard’s last song a man behind me started a loud conversation. I looked back on impulse and was surprised to be greeted with a hug and a kiss from Ed Harcourt. Nice man. I introduced him to the WB. He loves it when I pull off a stunt like that. I wondered if it would carry on being a night of coincidence and I was not in the least surprised when I found myself sitting next to the man from the foyer, who is now tour managing. I flashed him a smile but didn’t really get anything back. Ten minutes later, out of nowhere he said loudly “I remember you”. He didn’t remember my name but as I told him “I’ve lived a whole lifetime since we last met”. Of course all this gave the WB an opportunity for some lively Laydee Brockwell baiting and a funny half hour. I asked him outright, like I do, and yes he is Ebeneezer Goode. Ha ha.

All the while I’m with the WB who likes a drink and another colleague who is ramming down the cider as he’s on a pass out. He has 2 kids. I kept up and actually initiated 3 last rounds of the night, one after the other. We all got through £30 each easily and I only had £3.50 of £35 left before we inevitably stayed for the after show. That’s when catster turned up. I felt awful as I ponced 2 drinks and 2 fags off her and I have since decided that I should always leave when I’ve run out of money.

The new rule has quickly come into being cos I said the wrong thing again last night. After an excitable night it just came out wrong. I had called a cab and the catster and a friend of hers were going to jump in. What they didn’t know is that we get told off at work if we have too much waiting time, so I got a little fretful when the catster’s mate said her leisurely goodbyes. I then proceeded to ruin the kind gesture in the rain by panicking and telling her that she might have to get the tube if she was too much longer. It just came out wrong. She looked quite affronted and so I topped it all by spending the entire journey trying to make up for my gaff by grilling her in an effort to show her that I thought that she was great. This must have been sickening. I should have just explained and said sorry about that. It’s so simple and easy to see that now. Still, it gave me something to worry about all day.

There was another little surprise of the evening, but I’ll let catster tell you as people are always beating her to things cos she’s actually out doing stuff. SEE HOW NICE I AM? Tell your friend.

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PS WB said I wasn’t boring. Actually it was “what ever you are you’re not boring”. Made my night.

i finally got up the nerve

Pretty soon i will be a Laydee what paints. I'm doing a painting course. Hurrah.

rip jeans

Laydees, thank goodness that I actually did slim into my new jeans. It was simple in the end, I just gave up milk and pounds that I never ever thought that I would shift again just literally fell off. Being a creature of habit did I mention that my new ones are almost identical to my old ones? Even though my 1980s roadie look, spray painted drain pipes, has recently been adopted by Kate Moss, Sienna Miller and various bo-ho chicks, after wearing them nearly every day for 4 years, I couldn’t bear to change the style. A few weeks ago though I had to face up to the truth that they were falling apart and I even had to darn the arse. But today they died. A small split appeared on both cheeks and they got quickly got bigger each time I sat down. Despite Booby offering me 50p for a quick look, and because it is quite nippy and I did not want to get arrested I turned to my trustee mate gaffer tape. The last time I had to gaffer my trousers was when my pants split during a Meltdown Festival. Luckily it happened back stage where gaffer was in ready supply. I soon forgot it was there until I walked past Harry Dean Stanton. Oh those were the days. “Hey” he said “you’ve got gaffer tape on your ass.” While this may have embarrassed some people I walked away and punched the air thinking HDS just looked at my arse!!!!

arggggghhhhhh

Oh, I feel awful. I was already in tears on the bus home from the last couple of chapters of The Amber Spyglass (so much better the second time around) and then on the way into my house, I saw a couple of blokes parking a car and obviously going into the NN. My heart sank and my rage came instantly, Monday being one of their regular nights for noise.

The night that they moved in I had to fly down there and let them know that music at the volume they were playing it at 1am is not acceptable. I had to keep leaving them notes for the first couple of months but eventually I thought that we had got to some sort of compromise on noise levels. Ivor Cutler I’m with you.

However, over the summer months it's got noisier more often. I tried to grin and bear it for quite some time but the night of their last party was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I found a note on the front door at 4pm saying that they had forgotten to tell us there would be a party that night. Even though the last one ended at 10am I refused to pack my tooth brush and leg it, I mean why should I? I stayed thinking it wouldn’t be as loud as their last party as they had not given us any notice. Ultimately, however, I spent from 4am pacing the streets and sitting in my lovely park.

The gloves came off that night. I soon noticed a twice weekly pattern to the horrible noises that shook the foundations of my flat and made me not want to come back to the home that I have lived in so happily for 10 years. Like I told the Geography teacher type, “band practice, not happy, why should I have to listen to it? If it happens again I’m telling your landlady”. It did, so I did, complain I mean. The reality of having to bang on my bedroom floor at bedtime on a regular basis has left me feeling impotent, pathetic and angry. NN is a very emotive issue. You’ve all heard stories of people reduced to acts of madness when their compaints were ignored, so like most people I’m handing it badly, ie full red headed rage. Damn.

So, the hippy type came to the front door to let the noisy guests in. “I’d better not have to listen to your shit band all night” I said wisely. I was told to get my facts right. It’s not a band, it’s just normal music. This means, that they are playing their music so loud that it actually sounds like they have 2 electric guitars, drums and appalling amplified vocals down there. No apology, just a mouthful back.

It took me a while to clam down and my first instinct was to feel bad that I’d probably ruined their evening but they’ve ruined plenty of mine. Then I wanted to apologise, but I’ve repeatedly explained in a much more pleasant manner. But they don't care how unhappy they've made me. So now I just feel like shit. All I want is to be able to be at home and not feel like I’m living above a bar. It’s not too much to ask is it?

no no no no no no no

On Wednesday, I made it all the to my Doctors in Shepherds Bush for a 9am appointment to take out my stitches. The receptionist there absolutely strictly adheres to every single stereotype that you can think of. A complete hatchet faced bitch of the first degree.

“I’m here for a 9am appointment.” She looks at me in alarm even before checking the appointments. I mean how could it be that ANYONE could have an appointment? I am obviously stupid. She must watch Little Britain and more or less told me that the computer says no. I explain that it’s only to take out some stitches and maybe I’m supposed to see the Nurse.

Cue, the smell on her top lip getting worse. “You got a letter” and obviously expects me to just walk out in complete understanding. Turns out that the Nurse is off sick for a week.

Luckily I’ve encountered the receptionist before and taking a tip from Lyra, I just looked at her blankly and said “No”, not budging from my position.

“Where do you live?”

“SE24.”

“You can’t be a patient here.”

“Doctor M said I could.”

“Doctor M is no longer here.”

“Yes but he was Head of Surgery at the time, please ask the Doctor if he will see me.”

“Doctor says no”. She hands me a leaflet and tells me that I can go to Charing Cross Hospital or Parsons Green.

So, I limp to Charing Cross Drop In Centre and quickly notice the 2 hour waiting time sign. I tell reception the purpose of my visit. I spit blood when I’m told that they no longer remove stitches. I limp to Parsons Green, I wait for 45 minutes and it takes 45 seconds to remove my stitches.

I am changing Doctors!!!!

RIP George Best

new moon

It’s a New Moon tonight and for me it will hopefully bring some peace after days of feeling extremely strange. I’ve not been able to retain a thought in my head since Monday. I’ve been blathering away to myself all week at work. And there’s been an electric whirlwind going on in my forehead all week.

Somehow I’ve kept my spirits up and have managed to stay the right side of manic. Although always being just moments from tears and sadness, I literally willed myself happy all week.

And it’s not just been me this time either. Everyone around me at work has felt the pressure too. On consulting my hero today ('he knows' in 'be like me') I was advised to “ride on the most positive beam of light you can find”. Te he he, I’ve been riding all week like the good witch that I am.