Day 1

Well, I was really happy to hear the theme tune. I’m not ashamed. I’m not proud either. I am at one with the programme.

Davina appeared to be wearing Pete Burn’s endangered species coat from BB5.

The token system is still in place.

Davina spoke to us weirdly, saying odd things like the . house . mates . do . things . we . watch .them . they .will . win. What .do .houses . need? Housemates. Why did Davina talk to us so slow . ly at times. I mean, I know CBB has got a bad rep, but that doesn’t all mean we are all really stupid if we are watching. It doesn’t.

No way! La Toya. She’s in! So shiny. So squeaky. Doesn’t like white food. They booed her. Walks like a trucker. Nabbed the private room. Oh man. Looks identical to Michael. Oh dear, thinks if you whisper it won’t be picked up.

MUTYA from the Sugababes. Only 23, after all these years, only 23. Badly out of shape. Has bingo wings. Tattooed (14) freak. Has 8 dogs. Say’s she’s peaceful – we’ll see. Looks like Bet Lynch.

Mini Me. He won me over in seconds. I was so scared but he’s charming and has a nice smile and happy eyes. He had to drag his bag. Literally couldn’t carry it. Couldn’t go up the stairs. Bless. Must be a favourite to win I suppose.

Mini Me and La Toya know each other.

TOMMY Sheridan, geezer from the perjury rap in the Scottish courts and the NOTW adultery trial. Yawn. Reminds me of the murderer in Corrie. Doesn’t he know CBB did bugger all for George Galloway. I’m not wrong on that am I? Oh my God he’s friend’s with Galloway. Makes no sense to me. He got booed. No one in the house recognised him.

Lucy Pinder. ? Oh, a booby model. Seems quite bright. But she’s a Tory bitch. By all accounts very successful and popular in which case I think this is a huge mistake.

BEN former member of boyband A1. Just bragged about having ‘dropped’ a couple of tracks with Alexandra the X Factor winner. Why do that – Cowell won’t like it.

Ben and Mutya seem to have some history – unless I’m imagining it.

TINA, Mo from Brookside and now in Shameless. OCD and hormonal. Oh, and I thought I was going to hate her. Excellent. Not sure of her motives in doing the show though, unless it’s to show off her 4 stone weight loss – but I doubt it (surely not). Claims to be healthy but man how could one be looking like that?

COOLIO of Gangsta’s Paradise hit fame. Oh dear, compared himself to God. His favourite song is his 1 hit. Claims not to watch the programme. Says he has sold over 30 million. Wonder if that’s all the 1 single? Must be broke. Knows Mini Me too. What a weird love in: Mini Me; Coolio & La Toya. Davina dobbed him right it in by revealing he lives in Herts.

MICHELLE, Grotesque. Spotted her getting botox on the Jordan reality tv programme (I no longer watch – it’s too awful, even for me). Had to remind us why she’s famous – Liberty X. Wears a lot of make up. Wants to prove she’s not a piss head. Oh oh. I fear she self-projects here.

TERRY Christian from The Word. Excellent. I’m expecting a good performance here. Looks old, I bet he smokes. Expects to win. Think he can too unless he’s too Pete Burns like. After the non-entity of Deni Behr in I’m a Celebrity the public will wonder what to expect.

ULRIKA Johnson. I don’t like her. Then she shamed me by saying it’s a shame people prejudge her without knowing her. Pah. Then I remembered thatI read her appalling column in the NOTW so I do know her and I hate her. There’s not enough beds for her!

No STEVE Strange. What a shame.

There’s going to be a Head of House. Last one to grab a bed is it and will live in a secret house and other stuff to do with nominations.

Davina will see us on Tuesday.