big brother : day 1

First in was Bonnie, and it’s immediately obvious that she is 19 going on 40. What is it with these reality birds and the need to wear pink? She thinks that she is very sexy but she is not. She likes to get naked but does not have the body for it. She is very dull. She was left alone with, and got a little freaked by, the behaviour of the next housemate……Pete. He immediately come across as a Norman Wisdom / Michael Barrymore / Lee Evans composite but I suspect that he’s quite an individual really. He’s a rock and roll singer with Tourettes and whistles and coughs his way through life. W***ers is his most common outburst. He fell down the stairs on the way into the house and is a mad excitable fool. I’m sure that the WB is going to start calling me Pete as we do seem to share some traits.

Next in was George, a very calm student. Dull dull dull. He comes from good stock, he hunts and shoots and has an allowance from Mater and Pater. An ex border. Rich. Posh. Sloaney. He hates hyper gay men. Hmmm, wonder who will be in next.

Shebaz A HYPER GAY MAN. Who would have thought? Shebaz is a 37-year-old Asian who has only left Glasgow twice and calls himself a Paki Poof. He is very high-pitched, very camp and very tactile. He carries his handbag like Emily Bishop carries hers and reminds me of the Matt Williams transvestite in Little Britain. Loud. Annoying.

Leah is a hideous exercise in cosmetic surgery with huge, disgusting, out of proportion silicone tits and of course she got booed on the way in for looking like a blow up doll. A 35-year-old blow up doll. Shebaz immediately offered to look after her, as he loves her. She used to be 22 stone and I suspect that she will count every calorie and pretend to do regular exercise but is really a lazy lard guzzler. No matter how much she spends on surgery, she will never look good.

Imogen is pretty and Welsh. I can’t understand a word that she says. WB has predicted that she will be in the last 3. She hit it off with Richard.

Next is Mikey, a scouse model. He hates Feminists. He fancies himself. Good job, as I don’t. WB thinks that him and Imogen might fall in love. Soppy sod.

Dawn is an exercise scientist (?). She looks like she will kick some butt. She doesn’t like people, she’s a self confessed complainer, she doesn’t want any friends and has never been in love. Shebaz said that she looks exotic but she looks far from it. She seems quite angry and bitter about life, which she says is shit. She reminds me of someone. Me!

Glynn is a lifeguard and strode in like something out of Baywatch, ie in a pair of red shorts. He says that he’s good looking but I can’t see it, although his body seems OK. Another Welsh. Flipping heck, the size of his ego. He is vain and competitive.

Richard, the self-titled ‘Sexual Terrorist’ is a gay camp bitchy Canadian who works out. He’s a cross between Jodie Marsh and Pete Burns. He’s gagging for it and prayed for there to be some fit blokes and a bar in the house but has already recoiled from the tactile Shebaz and gave him a bit of a verbal bitch slapping. Has found a fag hag in Imogen. Promising.

Grace is a posh, rich, spoiled young Sloane. Into clubbing and designer clothes. Shebaz loves her.

Lisa is a Chinese Scary Spice. She’s from Manchester and talks at 100 mph. She’s a plain talker who is dead loud and dead common.

Sezer sees himself as a Ladies Man and has had Bonnie on his lap already. He also fancies the Welsh bird and showed his affection by snapping at her thong. He's some sort of entrepreneur on the Stock Exchange. City twat. Boy does he love the sound of his own voice. Loves himself and got his kit off first!

Nicky wants to marry a footballer or a rich man. She thinks that she is special but special needs is more likely. She came in wearing a Bunny Girl outfit that cut off her circulation. She’s a screamer, a moaner and a winger and has already been into the DR with the water works as she can’t take off her mascara. Boo hoo. A crybaby. Yuck. She accepted Sezer’s invite to snuggle in bed. My least favourite kind of woman: one who has to be hugged and paid attention to all the time. I cannot wait until Dawn lays into her.

Shebaz has guessed Pete’s condition, has mentioned it to him and is going to look after him. He won’t let anything happen to him and I can see the Craig / Anthony unrequited love drama happening all over again. Shebaz wore yellow Marigolds for the duration of the first evening and I have found no apparent explanation.

As part of the first task Big Brother won’t let them have their suitcases. As Task # 1 they all had to select 2 housemates to go in the DR. Lisa and Shebaz went in and were told that are the founding leaders of the Big Brother Hood and their special privileges are :
- they got their suitcases that night
- they are immune from the first eviction
- they can select other housemates to join the Big Brother Hood

This is funny as Lisa had just been into the DR and said that she probably wouldn’t get on with Shebaz as he is a bit of a “woman” but now they must be allies. Shebaz is also the most unlikely to gel with the group, no matter how he tries. Nicky was going to go into the DR but backed out when Leah advised her that BB might be tricking them. I think Nicky will hold a grudge over this.

Live coverage : Shebaz is too much for them. They’ve all had a big barney with him about his behaviour or what he terms his “theatre’’. They think he’s a psycho. He’s threatened to leave and has been in with BB for a while. But he did have the balls to tell them all that BB chose him for a reason and that it was most likely to annoy them all. Ha ha. Job done. But surely they all want to be in his gang and get their suitcases???